The Scenes That Never Made It To Star Wars
by Andeh
Summary: UPDATED ON 10 21! So basically, the title explains it all. Read and Review. Or I'll eat you.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Star Wars. Nor will I. I wish I did, but I don't. I am merely _borrowing_ the wonderful characters that legally belong to Lucasfilm.

VADER: Luke... I am your mother... wait thats not right... Hey! who messed with my script?

WATTO: Here it is...a T-14 hyperdrive generator! Thee in luck, I'm the only one hereabouts who has one...but thee might as well buy a new ship. It would be cheaper, I think...Saying of which, how's thee going to pay for all this, huh?

QUI-GON: I have 20,000 Republic dataries.

WATTO: Republic credits? Republic credits are no good out here. I need something more real.

QUI-GON: I don't have anything else. (raising his hand) But credits will do fine.

WATTO: No, they won'ta.

Qui-Gon sighs.

QUI-GON: How about Mastercharge?

He turns to the camera and grins while showing his Galactic Mastercard.

QUI-GON: It's everywhere I want to be.

In the background, GL is heard yelling for who added that to the script.

Obi-Wan is being suspended in mid-air by a blue electric beam in the center of a vast circular chamber. Count Dooku walks in, regarding the Jedi with a measure of pity and worry.

OBI-WAN: Traitor.

COUNT DOOKU: Oh no, Van Helsing. This time there is no stake, no sunlight, no running water to use against me.

Obi-Wan blinks and looks at Dooku with a raised eyebrow.

COUNT DOOKU: Sorry about that, Hammer Studios Dracula flashback.

In the background, GL is heard sobbing

GL is on his knees in the background banging his head against the floor moaning 'Why?' repeatedly.

JAWA 1: Hi-Ho!

JAWAS: Hi-Ho!

JAWA 1:Hi-Ho!

JAWAS: Hi-Ho!

ALL JAWAS: Hi-Ho! Hi-Ho! It's off to work we go...

GL yells in exasperation and stamps his feet in the dust.

OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

QUI-GON: …..

ANNOUNCER PEOPLE-PERSON: The owner of a silver Ford SZ789, your lights are on! Ewan, isn't that your car?

OBI-WAN (storms off set): #$

QUI-GON: Haven't I always told you to be wary of your focus, my very young apprentice?

GL jumps up and down like a mad man yelling

Flashback to Duel on Naboo

Duel on Geonosis

Duel on Mustafar

Duel on Death Star, ANH

Duel on Bespin

RANDOM PERSON: Why's everyone losing limbs?

STAR WARS CHARACTER: Because the guy keeps yelling CUT

**Okay. If you didn't figure it out, GL is George Lucas. The second one is my frustration for the credit card commercials that haunt the television nonstop. The third one is a takeoff off Christopher Lee's British horror movie acting experience/career. If you liked it, please review. If you didn't, forever hold your peace. **


	2. Chapter 2

**George Lucas, please don't sue me for copyright infringement, I am not taking credit for your wonderful creations, nor will I ever. Thank you for your cooperation and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart**

OBI-WAN: You don't want to sell me death sticks.

ELAN: I don't want to sell you death sticks…

OBI-WAN: You want to go home and rethink your life.

ELAN: I want to go home and rethink my life…

The young thug wanders off, hypnotized. Obi-Wan downs his drink in one gulp. His eyes open wide and he begins to gag, spitting and airing out his tongue.

OBI-WAN: gasping Diet...spits again

ANAKIN: If you'll excuse me...

_Anakin jumps out of the speeder and falls_

_A large airbus full of kids cuts into Zam's path. She swerves_

_Anakin continues downwards..._

OBI-WAN: Blast, I hate it...looks down Ugh...

Anakin looks around front and back of the 'requisitioned' speeder he's in with Obi-Wan. He spots something. He seems to start counting to himself as he watches something below approach.

OBI-WAN: That was some shortcut, Anakin. He went completely the other way. Once again, you've proved --

ANAKIN: If you'll excuse me?

Suddenly Anakin jumps out of the speeder! Obi-Wan looks down and sees Zam's speeder about five stories below them cruising past.

OBI-WAN: I hate it when he does that.

Anakin miraculously lands on top of the bounty hunter's speeder only to have his boots slip on the hood.

ANAKIN: (screams and the sounds of loud thumps are heard breaking them into segments until they grow faint)

Obi-Wan watches his padawan's descent and shakes his head.

OBI-WAN: Now, if you were mindful of the here and now, you would've known that speeder was freshly waxed.

Obi-Wan starts chuckling as he speeds off.

Obi-Wan and Anakin carry the mysterious assassin out of the nightclub and into a dark alley.

OBI-WAN: Do you know whom it was you were trying to kill?

ZAM: It was a senator from Naboo.

OBI-WAN: And who hired you?

ZAM: It was just a job.

ANAKIN: Who hired you, tell us. pauses for a few moments TELL US NOW!

ZAM: It was bounty hunter called --

OBI-WAN: Uuuughhh Passes out

Anakin and Zam look back and Jango shrugs.

JANGO: Oops, Sorry.

GL: Looking up WHERE DID I GO WRONG!

Obi-Wan quietly listens to the Separatist's plans for the Republic.

DOOKU: The Trade Federation have pledged their support, and when their battle droids are combined with yours, we shall have an army greater than anything in the galaxy. The Republic will be overwhelmed.

OBI-WAN: AAAAHHHH! Falls through the hole he was watching from, and lands on the table right in front of Dooku

OBI-WAN: Uh --- Hi?

GL: CUT!

LEIA: When you came in here didn't you have a plan for getting out.

HAN: Peas for brains sweetheart.

WAYS TO MISUSE A LIGHTSABER

Back Scratcher

Shish Kabob Stick

Pogo Stick

Cricket bat

Toothpick

Q-tip

Sword swallowing

Toothbrush

Can opener

10. Thermometer

11. Broom

12. Cane

13. Drum stick

14. Conductor's baton

15. Pencil

16. Lawnmower

17. Laser pointer

19. Razor

20. Flashlight

(Another one of my MasterCard parodies)

X-Wing: 10 000 Credits

Lightsaber: 325 Credits

Jedi Training: 600 Credits

Discovering that your father is the Dark Lord of the Sith: Priceless

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's MasterCard

BOOK TITLES

"Anger Management 101" by D. L. Sidious

"Upon people, looking down" by Master Yoda

"How to Deal Deathsticks" by Coruscant Security Officer

"The Joy of Flying" by Obi-Wan Kenobi

"How to be a Good Father" by D. Vader

"A Guide to Civilised Behaviour" by Tusk N. Radar

"Successful Bounty Hunting" by Greedo

**-Okay, I hope you enjoyed it! I might update it again and ideas are welcome. Thank you to pickles, padme's sister, Hippie Jade, Onimusha2b, Phantom'sJediBandieGirl, John The Shadow, Padfoot Reincarnated, .Sweet-KRAZY.03., Calyenna, Mutant Goldfish, and alhmo3224 for the reviews. The first one is on my hate of _diet soft drinks_. They are worse than the real thing yet everyone insists on drinking them. If you are on a diet, you don't drink Coke, Sprite, 7-Up etc. I think all the others are pretty self-explanatory. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.**

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tatooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG (tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

**STAR WARS QUOTES THAT WORDS ARE SUBSTITUTED WITH "PANTS"**

Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

SCENES 

**THE PHANTOM MENACE**

YODA: Always two there are, a master and an apprentice

MACE: But who was it? The master, or the apprentice?

YODA: Thinking I was, about Mrs. White in the ballroom with the knife

MACE: Really, I thought it was a Wookiee in the Millenium Falcon with the bowcaster

ANAKIN: No, no, it was the womp rat in the duggle with the water gun

OBI-WAN: No, I was there, it was definitely the triceratops in the jungle with the horns.

OTHERS: A Triceratops?

OBI-WAN: Well, it has horns.

THE DARTH'S CONSPIRE 

DARTH MAUL: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi, at last we will have revenge.

DARTH MAUL: That's all my lines! At last we reveal ourselves to the Jedi, at last I will be killed by a Jedi. Can't I have more lines?

GL: No

(Darth Maul draws lightsaber and rounds on GL)

GL: Wha-wha-what was I thinking? Of c-c-course you can have more lines

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK 

DARTH VADER TO ADMIRAL PIETT: Admiral, have your men disengaged their hyperdrive?

ADMIRAL PIETT: Oh what the heck, why would you sabotage a hyperdrive that never works in the first place?

BESPIN DUEL 

DARTH VADER: I have just one question for you.

LUKE: And what is that?

DARTH VADER: Who is yo daddy?

LUKE: (leans forward and whispers) That's not the line

DARTH VADER: Oh all right (pulls out huge black book titled The Empire Strikes Back and searches for his line) Luke….I…am…your….father. I am your father? No I'm not! I'm not! I'm a big important Sith Lord that's half robot and you are just a puny Jedi kid! I protest!

GL puts a gun to his head

**I know it's really short, but mum is just about ready to kick me off the computer. **

**I'll try to make it up on the next chapter. **


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I OWN STAR WARS! At least, I own stock in Lucasfilm…

George Lucas, I shall be borrowing your fantubulistic characters for a couple more centuries.

IAmLuke1: Owen, Beru--want to go to Academy next year.

Owen1: Go after next harvest. Want you to check out new droids in garage chat room.

IAmLuke1: NO. Go To and get some power converters download.

Owen1: DO that later. Check out new droids.

IAmLuke1: -- Will never get away from this 56K modem :-(

IAmLuke1 HAS LOGGED OFF TATTOOINE CHATROOM 

IAmLuke1 HAS LOGGED ONTO GARAGE CHATROOM 

Beru1: Owen u can't keep him on this server forever.

Beru1: 2 much like his father

Owen1: -- Afraid of that

Owen1: WTF is this drink?

Beru1: Blue milk. Like it?

Owen1:-P

E-Mote-E-ConGuy: Greetings. I am E-Mote-E-Con, human-cyborg relations. May I ask what chat room I'm on?

IAmLuke1: IMHO if you surfed the Empire's web for a year you couldn't find a duller IM than this.

Leia4Playa HAS LOGGED ONTO GARAGE CHATROOM 

IAmLuke1: WTF?

Leia4Playa: HELP ME OBI-ONE KENOBI1. YOU POSTED ABOUT MY FATHER DURING THE FLAME WARS. YOU ARE OUR LAST HOPE. HELP ME OBI-ONE KENOBI1. YOU POSTED ABOUT MY FATHER DURING THE FLAME WARS. YOU ARE OUR LAST HOPE.

HELP ME OBI-ONE KENOBI1. YOU POSTED ABOUT MY FATHER DURING THE FLAME WARS. YOU ARE OUR LAST HOPE.

IAmLuke1: Wonder if she's referring to old Ben1 from It could be just a piece of spam from sir.

FUNBOITARKIN: did hostile takeover of 404. will rule galaxy.

CLUELZ1: WTF?

CLUELZ1: How will galaxy run w/out bureaucracy?

SKATR404: Galaxy OK.

SKATR404:DeathStar kicks a$$. Nothing can stop it.

DARTHVADER: STFU Skatr. Technology NOTHING next 2 pwr of ROFLMAO. Sad devotion 2 ancient religious sites just fuckin pathetic.

SKATR404: BTW howz it goin finding Rebel base LOSER

DARTHVADER: -- find lack of faith disturbing

SKATR404 CONNECTION TERMINATED 

FUNBOITARKIN: Vader quit dicking around

DARTHVADER: LOL

A/N: This is a very short chappie. So sorry. But I shall move on to a humorous script of Episode I, and maybe Episodes II and III, depending on how many reviews I gets.

This chapter was dedicated to the Internet.


	5. Episode I: May Contain Nuts

The Star Wars logo appears on the screen together with the thrilling John Williams theme music. The audience is moved almost to tears by nostalgia and excitement, until the introduction crawls up the screen and we realize the movie is about some trade embargo or something.

INT. SPACESHIP.

The first people we see in the long-awaited Star Wars prequel are two pilots who get killed in a few scenes so we don't need to learn their names unless we are obsessive. We also see the backs of two hooded heads, which belong to OBI-WAN and some other GUY WITH A Q IN HIS NAME.

Guy With a Q in His Name:

Tell the aliens we wish to land.

Pilot Who Dies in a Few Scenes:

With all due respect, aliens, we wish to land.

ALIEN:

As you know, our blockod is perfECTly legahl. I am obviously an ahlien becoss I haf a strange acCENT while I do not haf any nostrils.

INT. ALIEN SPACE STATION. The two Jedi enter a room and put back the hoods of their cool monkish robes in tandem.

OBI-WAN:

I sense a disturbance in the Force.

Guy With a Q in His Name:

I don't feel anything. I think you're making it up.

OBI-WAN:

That's because I'm a better Jedi than you even though I'm only an apprentice.

Guy With a Q in His Name:

Look, just keep your mind on your job for once.

OBI-WAN:

But Master Yoda said I should--

Guy With a Q in His Name:

Master Yoda this, Master Yoda that, I'm about sick of hearing about Yoda, okay?

INT. BRIDGE.

DROID that looks like C-3PO but has a woman's voice:

The ambassadors are Jedi knights, I believe, although I am a mere droid and it's anyone's guess where I learned how to identify Jedis.

ALIEN:

Oh great, that about tears it. I'm not going in dere. Send de droid.

INT. ROOM WHERE THE JEDI ARE WAITING.

OBI-WAN:

Do these guys always make ambassadors wait this long?

Guy With a Q in His Name:

I sense an unusual amount of fear.

OBI-WAN:

I thought you said you didn't sense anything.

Guy With a Q in His Name:

Anyway, the negotiations will be short because these guys with no nostrils are chicken.

INT. BRIDGE.

The aliens are talking to the projection of the evil Lord Sidious who looks suspiciously like the EMPEROR.

EMPEROR:

Jedi? Kill them. Kill them all. And whatever you do, don't let them get into the ventilator shafts.

INT. SPACESHIP HANGAR

A laser gun mounted on the ceiling springs to life and turns to aim at the ambassador's ship.

Pilot Who Dies in This Scene:

Captain! I get a line in this moviearrrgh!

INT. ROOM WHERE THE JEDI ARE WAITING.

Both Jedi spring up and grab their lightsabers. At first we think it's because they sensed the death of the pilots, but then we realize they only heard the poison gas dispensers turn on. It's always handy to outfit your space station with poison gas dispensers in every room, just in case.

Guy with a Q in his name:

Poison gas! Better hold your breath!

They both take deep breaths.

A lot of battle droids that look like Crow T. Robots assemble outside the room.

BATTLE DROID:

They should be dead now. Open the door so we can make sure.

OTHER, SMARTER BATTLE DROID:

Why don't we just leave them in there with the poison gas for a couple of hours? Even a Jedi can't hold his breath that long. I think.

They open the doors. The Jedi are still holding their breaths. Luckily battle droids, which are sophisticated constructs engineered to be ruthless, emotionless killing machines, are slow to react and have terrible aim. The Jedi destroy them all and run down the hall.

INT. BRIDGE

ALIEN:

Seal off the bridge! Nothing can get through that door.

The guy with the Q in his--oh, hell, he's really called Quai Gong Djinn or something--sticks his light saber through the door.

ALIEN:

Close the blast doors! Both sets! Heh, see him get through that.

Qui-Gon sticks his lightsaber through all the doors, which start to melt. This is the coolest thing ever done with a lightsaber, ever.

ALIEN:

Where are those cool rolling droids that look like mechanical scorpions?

OBI-WAN:

Damn, cool rolling droids that look like mechanical scorpions. We'd better run away almost too fast to see, something no Jedi apparently knows how to do except us.

They run away really, really fast and escape through the convenient ventilation system.

INT. SPACESHIP HANGAR

QUI-GON:

Look, lots of battle droids. They must be planning an invasion.

OBI-WAN:

No shit. Hey, you were right about one thing, the negotiations were short.

Cue Laugh Track

QUI-GON:

We'll stow away on separate ships and meet down on the planet. Those thousands of battle droids won't notice us and it's a real small planet so we shouldn't have any problem finding each other in the trackless wilderness these ships will for some reason land in.

INT. ALIEN SPACESTATION.

The aliens with no nostrils talk to QUEEN AMIDALA on a cool wavy screen that is way more advanced-looking than any communication device seen a few decades later.

QUEEN AMIDALA:

I guess those ambassadors gave you what for. Your blockade is over, poopy-heads.

ALIEN #1:

Ambassadors? What ambassadors? Do you know anything about any ambassadors, Alien #2?

ALIEN #2:

We haven't seen any Jedi at all--I mean, any ambassadors at all. Wait, we forgot our accents. Staht overrrr.

QUEEN AMIDALA:

I'm going to tell the Senate on you and you're going to be in big trouble, nanny nanny boo boo.

ALIEN #1:

I am rubbah and you ah glue, everything you seh bounces--

EXT. NABOO.

Giant metal things are mowing down trees, apparently in an attempt to kill JAR JAR BINKS and some capybaras. Qui-Gon unfortunately saves Jar Jar.

AUDIENCE:

Boo! Kill him! Kill him!

QUI-GON:

You brainless idiot! What are you, some sort of humorous sidekick?

JAR JAR:

I spake.

QUI-GON:

So do TV news anchors, but that doesn't mean they're intelligent.

JAR JAR:

Meesa you humble servant. Meesa LOVE you!

Obi-Wan comes running up.

OBI-WAN:

Oh, great. Fifteen minutes into this film and we've already run afoul of Jar Jar. I was hoping we'd have an hour free at least.

JAR JAR:

Exqueese me? Meesa can take you to Gungan city. 'Tis a hidden city.

QUAI GON:

A city? That's more like it. How do we get there?

JAR JAR:

Um, actually meesa been banished from Gungan city. Meesa only mentioned it because it's in the script.

OBI-WAN:

You see this? It's a lightsaber. Take us to the damn city, okay?

Jar Jar takes them to the Gungan city, which is in a pond about the size of a parking lot on the surface but the size of an ocean underneath. Fortunately the Jedi have nifty little water-breathing devices on their Batman Utility Belts; Jar Jar can apparently breathe water although he doesn't seem to have gills. They enter one of the big bubble-looking things where a lot of Gungans are standing around doing nothing. Due to their high midichlorian counts, the Jedi are barely damp.

JAR JAR:

It's sure good to be home! Uh oh.

GUARD:

Yousa in deep doo-doo now, Jar Jar.

He zaps Jar Jar with a cattle prod so that Jar Jar can say "How wude" for the first of many, many times.

INT. BOSS NASS'S ROOM.

Boss Nass is a big flabby guy who is apparently of a different species than the Gungans, since he doesn't have eyeballs on stalks. His flunkies wear armor that makes them look sort of like Crusaders.

QUI-GON:

Bad things are about to happen so we need your help, okay?

BOSS NASS:

Weesa no likum those mechaneeks. Go away so we can kill Jar Jar.

AUDIENCE:

Yes!

QUI-GON:

But if you don't help us you'll end up killed too. You see, you and the Naboo form a symbi--

OBI-WAN elbowing him aside:

You and the Naboo form a symbiote circle. If they die, you die too. See, if they get a boo-boo, you get a boo-boo too. Does everyone in the audience understand this yet? Even the real little kids?

QUI-GON:

I was doing okay. You are my apprentice, remember?

BOSS NASS salivates loudly:

Meesa no tink so. Yousa go away.

QUI-GON waving his hands:

Then speed us on our way. Hey, look what I can do.

BOSS NASS:

Weesa gonna give yousa a bongo, but you have to go through the PLAAAANET CORE where there's fiery hot lava and molten rock and you'll burn up and die.

QUI-GON:

What will become of Jar Jar Binks?

OBI-WAN whines:

But master, we're short on time and he's an idiot.

BOSS NASS:

Heesa gonna be pyooooonished, heh heh.

AUDIENCE:

Yay! Can we watch?

JAR JAR:

How wude.

QUI-GON:

I saved his life so he owes me. We'll take him.

JAR JAR:

Meesa rather die here than die in the Planet Core! It's really scary and terrible and stuff! Whatsa meesa saying? Meesa in the script, meesa have to go!

They get in the bongo, which is a type of drum. Actually it's a submarine shaped like a stingray with a kite tail.

QUI-GON:

You'd better drive. I'm not sober.

They are set upon almost immediately by a big fish, who is then eaten by a bigger fish.

QUI-GON:

There's always a bigger fish, unless you're not in the water in which case it's probably some sort of mammal, or maybe large birds or those reptile things before we domesticated them and made them carry our packs around in spaceports. But there's always a bigger one. Funny, you know, you don't see many small creatures in this galaxy. I saw some capybaras up here on Naboo, and actually there were lots of bigger capybaras. So--

OBI-WAN:

Shut up! For god's sake, shut the hell up, okay? That's exactly the kind of shallow philosophizing I expect from you.

QUI-GON:

So, Jar Jar, why exactly were you banished? Did you kill a man?

JAR JAR:

Nosuh. Meesa banished because meesa clumsy.

QUI-GON:

You were banished because you're clumsy?

JAR JAR:

Um, maybe meesa actually banished because meesa annoying.

OBI-WAN:

Can we banish him too?

INT. SPACE STATION, where the Aliens are talking to the Emperor again.

EMPEROR:

I have an evil plan to take over the Senate, so listen closely. You are to act like you're trying to extort a treaty from the Naboo and then throw them into jail when they don't sign. That way I can force the Senate to intervene and elect a strong chancellor, a handsome chancellor, a chancellor who would never pronounce his Rs.

ALIEN #1:

A chancellor who looks good in black.

EMPEROR:

Ooh, good one.

ALIEN #2:

Is that legal?

EMPEROR:

Oh golly, Mr. Policeman, did I BREAK A LAW? Shut up and cut off communications to the planet.

INT. THE BONGO.

JAR JAR:

Weesa lost power! Meesa is going to hyperventilate and panic and kill ussa all even though meesa can breathe underwater and was born here and have nothing to worry about!

OBI-WAN:

Hey, I can hotwire anything. Watch while I miraculously fix this ship. You'll be seeing a lot of that in the next two hours.

The ship's power comes back on, just in time for another scary creature to appear and attempt to eat the ship. Luckily there's always a bigger fish.

INT. NABOO CASTLE. Queen Amidala is having a tea party with her inner circle when SENATOR PALPATINE, really the EMPEROR without his HOOD, materializes as one of those nifty hologram things.

EMPEROR:

Really, Queen, I have NO IDEA why the Jedi never showed up. Really! I'm just as shocked and dismayed as you. I can promise you, whatever the Senate can do to help, I'll make sure they do it. Eventually. fffzt chchchchch zzfft Whoops, we're breaking up! Sorry, I have absolutely nothing to do with this!

CAPTAIN Token-Black-Guy:

They wouldn't shut down communications unless they were about to invade. Well-known fact.

QUEEN:

You don't think the batteries are just low?

PADME, who is really the Queen:

Just thump it a few times.

QUEEN:

I-will-not-condone-a-course-of-action-that-will-lead-us-to-wah.

EXT. NABOO, city of Theed (really, I know it's called Theed because it's in the Weird Al song).

The bongo surfaces in a pretty canal thing with ducks.

AUDIENCE:

That was it?

QUI-GON:

That was it? That was the plaaaanet core? Are you sure we came the right way?

OBI-WAN:

I took a short cut.

QUI-GON:

The Queen and everyone have probably been captured by now, so we can go rescue them and look like heroes. I only need 400 more experience points for my next level.

INT. NABOO CASTLE.

The Aliens have captured the Queen and some guy who looks like the Wizard of Oz, and Captain Token-Black-Guy.

ALIEN:

You've got to sign this treaty, only not really.

QUEEN lip trembling defiantly:

I'll never join you!

ALIEN:

I am your father. What am I saying?

QUEEN:

Dad?

ALIEN:

I seem to have the wrong script.

QUEEN:

I'm not going to sign any stupid treaty.

ALIEN:

In time the suffering of your people will make you change your mind.

QUEEN:

Why should I care what happens to them? They wear ugly clothes and are poor and stuff.

ALIEN:

Prrrrrocess them. Ooh, I scare myself.

EXT. THEED COURTYARD OR SOMEPLACE.

The Jedi and Jar Jar are lurking on top of a bridge over a courtyard. This is so they can jump off the bridge and look really cool and rescue the Queen and her pals, which they do. Then it's off to the hangar to rescue some pilots, who are sitting in a disconsolate heap guarded by Crow T. Robots.

OBI-WAN:

I'll handle this.

QUI-GON:

Shut up. I'll handle this. To Crow T. Robot We're taking these people to Coruscant.

OBI-WAN:

Oh, brilliant. Tell them where we're going.

CROW T. ROBOT:

Coruscant? Um, er, that doesn't compute.

OBI-WAN:

Time for an upgrade.

QUI-GON:

Oh well, negotiations didn't work. I guess we'll have to kill them.

They destroy all the Crow T. Robots and rescue the pilots, then steal a convenient spaceship. It is silver and gleams like a T-1000.

EXT. SPACE.

IDIOT PILOT:

Oh look, there's the old blockade right where we left it. Uh oh, I forgot to put the shields on! We're hit! Send out R2-D2 and his expendable comrades to fix the shields.

CAPTAIN T-B-G watching on a little screen:

We're losing droids fast. Fortunately they're aiming at the droids and not our completely defenseless enormous ship.

R2-D2:

Beep beep. It's just unplugged. Look, I fixed it.

IDIOT PILOT:

Hey, our shields are up! That little droid did it! We'd better tell the queen--she'll be dying to know all about some insignificant droid.

Cut to PLAIN LITTLE ROOM where the queen is.

QUEEN:

What a good little droid. What is its numbah?

CAPTAIN T-B-G enunciating very clearly so we will think he's never heard the name before:

R2-D2, your highness.

QUEEN:

Padme, my dear, be a good girl and clean up this soot-encrusted droid with your bare hands.

PADME, who is really the Queen, scraping at R2-D2:

mutters She's gonna regret this when we get back to Naboo.

IDIOT PILOT:

We'll never make it all the way to Coruscant. The hyperdrive is leaking something.

OBI-WAN:

Of all the hundreds of star systems within range where we could get the ship fixed, only Tatooine is controlled by the Hutts. Let's go there.

QUI-GON:

Sounds great!

CAPTAIN T-B-G:

But the Hutts are gangsters!

QUI-GON:

Aw, they're just big softies when you get to know them. Besides, Tatooine is important to the plot. Land outside of town so we won't have to go through Hutt customs.

INT. NABOO PALACE.

The aliens are yet again talking to a hologram of the Emperor.

ALIEN:

A little ship with no shields managed to get past the entire blockade fleet. We think the Jedi were aboard PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, SIR.

EMPEROR:

I find your lack of competence disturbing. I will have to send in my apprentice, DARTH MAUL.

Darth Maul steps up. Camera zooms in on him and "DARTH MAUL" flashes on the screen.

EMPEROR:

This is my apprentice, Darth Maul. DARTH MAUL! Everyone got that?

AUDIENCE:

Damn! He looks just like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent!

DARTH MAUL, glowering impressively:

Ready for evil, sir.

The hologram winks out.

ALIEN:

Great, now there are two of them. This is all your fault, you doddering old fool. And you look like Ronald Reagan without nostrils, too.

EXT. TATOOINE.

OBI-WAN:

Master, the hyperdrive generator is gone.

QUI-GON:

Gone? Where did you see it last?

OBI-WAN:

Well, actually it was leaking stuff all over the place so I threw it away. Why? We don't need one, do we?

Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, and R2-D2 start walking from the ship to the spaceport to buy a new hyperdrive generator.

CAPTAIN T-B-G:

Wait, you forgot Padme, who is really the queen! The queen, who is really Padme, desires you to take Padme, who is really the queen, to the spaceport so she can meet the little people.

QUI-GON:

No.

PADME, who is really the queen:

Off with his head!

QUI-GON:

Oh, all right. But it won't be pretty. Jar Jar is going to step in some alien poop.

They enter the city. Jar Jar steps in some alien poop.

JAR JAR:

Meesa hate this fuckin place.

QUI-GON:

Mostly Tatooine is made up of moisture farms, except for the spaceports where they import stuff.

PADME, who is really the queen:

Why don't they import moisture? Duh.

QUI-GON:

The midichlorians in my cells tell me the Force says this one shop is the only place where we can get the part we need, and it just happens to be where Anakin Skywalker works. Perfect, except we don't have the right money. But don't worry, credits will be fine.

They go into the shop, where they meet Watto the elephant hummingbird.

WATTO:

Boy! Come in here and get the plot started!

ANAKIN:

Are you an angel?

WATTO:

What took you so long?

ANAKIN:

I was taking a poodoo. I mean cleaning the fans.

QUI-GON:

Meet Padme. She's an angel. I mean the queen. I mean not the queen right now. You two get acquainted, hint hint.

ANAKIN to Padme:

Are you an angel?

PADME:

No, I'm a little girl. Really, I'm just a little girl. I'm not seven or eight years older than you at all, really. Um, what's an angel?

ANAKIN:

Angels live on some moon somewhere. When I grow up I'm going to find their moon and blow it up.

PADME:

You're a funny little boy. Oh, wait, you're a slave!

ANAKIN:

Am not! I'm a person and I'm gonna be Darth Vader. I'll remember you.

PADME:

Darth Vader? Oh gross, that means I have to sleep with you! Icky-poo!

ANAKIN:

Hubba hubba, hot mama.

QUI-GON to Watto:

We need a part for our ship. Do you have it?

WATTO:

Of course we've got your part. Um, how much money you got?

QUI-GON:

We have lots of these Republic credits.

WATTO:

Republic credits? Devalued junk! I need something more real.

QUI-GON, waving his hand:

Credits will be fine.

WATTO:

No they won't.

QUI-GON, waving his hand again:

Credits will be fine.

WATTO:

NO, they WON'T. What, do you think you're some kind of Jedi, waving your hand around like that? Mind tricks don't work on me, only money.

AUTHORS:

We couldn't top this part so we left it the way it was.

QUI-GON speaking on a com-link back to the ship:

Anybody there got anything more real than Republic credits?

IDIOT PILOT:

I got an antique chess set.

CAPTAIN T-B-G:

I got the complete set of Lords of the Jedi collector plates from the Coruscant Mint.

OBI-WAN:

There's always the queen's wardrobe but it's too heavy to carry into town.

QUEEN in background:

No! Not my clothes!

QUI-GON:

We'll think of something clever.

PADME, who is really the queen:

Why don't you just get money from the rabble with your awesome Jedi mind powers?

QUI-GON:

Oops, looks like a sandstorm! Gotta go, Obi-Wan!

ANAKIN:

You'll never make it to the ship! Come on over to my house and meet my droid. He's called C-3PO.

AUDIENCE:

What!

They start walking to Anakin's house. On the way Jar Jar tries to steal a spade-foot toad, but his comic relief field flings it across a table into the face of a Dug, an especially dangerous Dug named Sebulba.

Camera zooms in on him and "SEBULBA" flashes on the screen.

QUI-GON:

Not now, Jar Jar! There's a sandstorm coming. If I kill Sebulba with my lightsaber would it mess up the pod race scene?

ANAKIN:

No, no, I'll arbitrate even though I am only eight years old. Sebulba, he's a loser, don't bother with him. Jar Jar, stop throwing toads at Sebulba. Come on, let's go, I'm getting sand in my teeth. Oh, hey, Qui-Gon, put these apple things in your pocket so I can see your lightsaber.

They go to Anakin's house.

ANAKIN'S MOM:

Oh, great, lots of extra mouths to feed. Anakin, you're so generous.

ANAKIN to Padme, who is really the queen:

Come on, I'll show you my bedroom. There's a bed in it, hint hint.

PADME, who is really the queen:

Not now, Anakin, I have a headache.

ANAKIN:

Look, here's the protocol droid C-3PO I'm building for Mom, to help her with her protocol.

C-3PO:

Oh! Oh! I can't see even though I have one eye.

ANAKIN, putting the other eye in:

Dammit, C-3PO, quit leaving your eyes around.

C-3PO:

Oh, thank you, Master Luke. I mean Master Anakin.

R2-D2:

Beep beep. You're, like, nekkid and shit. I can see your solenoid.

C-3PO:

Master Anakin, I want my gold things!

EXT. CORUSCANT, some kind of balcony. The Emperor and Darth Maul are walking along, talking. This is almost the only time you will hear Darth Maul say anything, so listen good.

DARTH MAUL:

You know, I look just like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent.

EMPEROR:

Whoops, incoming.

A brown-robed man pushes past the Emperor, waving a lightsaber. Darth Maul dispatches him with alacrity and pushes him over the balcony.

DARTH MAUL:

Heh heh. Mrowl.

EMPEROR:

Now, then, where were we? I think they're on Tatooine because my midichlorians tell me so. Or do only the good guys have midichlorians? Go to Tatooine and find out.

TATOOINE. INT. ANAKIN'S HOUSE:

Everyone is eating supper, which apparently consists of beige gruel.

ANAKIN:

Please, sir, may I have some more?

QUI-GON:

Don't ask me, ask your mother.

ANAKIN'S MOTHER:

No, you've had enough.

ANAKIN:

But Mom, you always said the whole problem with the galaxy is that no one gives anyone seconds. And can I podrace tomorrow even though it's dangerous and I'll probably die and I'm your only son?

ANAKIN'S MOTHER:

No. Pause Well, okay.

ANAKIN to Qui-Gon:

Are you a Jedi? I saw your stick that makes hard light.

QUI-GON:

Maybe I killed a Jedi and took it from him.

ANAKIN:

You? I don't think so. Have you come to free us?

QUI-GON:

You? I don't think so.

ANAKIN:

I think you have. I think your planet just went to the top of the blow-up list. I think Darth Maul could kick your ass.

QUI-GON:

You little bastard! Who was his father, anyway?

ANAKIN'S MOTHER:

Well, it's the damnedest thing. By the way, you'd better do a midichlorian test on him. He's got Jedi reflexes.

QUI-GON:

Like this?

Qui-Gon grabs Jar Jar's tongue as he whips it out to get an apple.

JAR JAR:

How wude. Ow, let go! Shit, man, that hurts! Dammit, I'm not getting paid enough to--I said let go! I mean, meesa said let go!

QUI-GON:

Do these Tatooweenies have a weakness that we can exploit?

ANAKIN'S MOTHER:

Well, they're all compulsive gamblers.

QUI-GON:

Good. Anakin has a pod, right?

ANAKIN:

Are you an angel?

QUI-GON:

Let's go see this alleged pod. The sandstorm is sure to be over by now--it's been, what, ten minutes?

EXT. ANAKIN'S BACK YARD.

ANAKIN:

See, this is my pod.

QUI-GON:

It's a piece of junk!

ANAKIN:

Oh yeah? You just wait till I grow up! I'm going to build the Death Star!

Anakin's friends gather around like a pack of loveable street urchins.

ANAKIN'S FRIEND #1:

Think you'll die this time, Ani? I'm betting on Sebulba.

ANAKIN:

Shut up or I'll squeeze out your soul with my unformed Jedi powers.

BABY GREEDO:

Ooh, you such a yokah, Ani, ho ho ho.

AUDIENCE:

Argh! That was the worst line ever! It can only get better from here.

ANAKIN:

Keep your tongue away from that power link, Jar Jar, or it'll go numb for hours, although I know it looks like it would actually lase your head off.

JAR JAR:

Oops. By tug. By tug id dub. Ad dow by had id duck.

Padme, who is really the queen, helps Jar Jar get his hand out of the turbine just before Anakin turns the pod on, unfortunately saving Jar Jar from a lethal dose of high voltage or at least a mangled arm.

AUDIENCE:

Damn. There's not enough violence in this movie.

C-3PO:

I find that Jar Jar creature rather odd.

R2-D2:

Beep beep. Let's kill him.

ANAKIN:

It works! It wooorks!

While Anakin is distracted, Qui-Gon creeps up and cuts a gash in Anakin's arm.

QUI-GON:

Whoopsie. I'll clean that up when we get home.

INT. SPACESHIP WHERE THE QUEEN IS CHANGING CLOTHES AGAIN.

The Wizard of Oz appears on the hologram communicator thingy.

WIZARD OF OZ:

You MUST help us! We're getting our ASSES kicked!

QUEEN:

Does this dress make me look fat?

CAPTAIN T-B-G:

This is kind of an insignificant scene, huh?

INT. WATTO'S SHOP.

WATTO:

So let me get this straight, you have no real money but all of a sudden you've got this pod and you want me to front the entry fee for the race. I don't think so. How did you get that pod, anyway?

QUI-GON:

I won it in a game of chance. I bet my hair. But hey, I'll give you this neato little thing that shows you a picture of a ship when you press its top. See?

WATTO:

Ooh, shiny. Okay.

EXT. SOME PLACE OUTSIDE OF THE TATOOINE SPACEPORT.

A little ship lands on the top of a cliff. The door opens and Darth Maul strides out, looking remarkably like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent. The inside of the ship is lit with really cool red light. Darth Maul looks around with some binoculars, then sends three flying droid things out to the spaceport.

DARTH MAUL:

Fly, my monkeys, fly!

A brown-robed man waving a lightsaber runs up. Darth Maul kills him and pushes him off the cliff.

DARTH MAUL:

Meow. Heh heh.

EXT. BACK TERRACE OF ANAKIN'S HOUSE.

Suddenly, it is nighttime. Qui-Gon is swabbing Anakin's cut arm with a cottonball or something.

QUI-GON:

Hold still, you little shi--I mean, you sure have a nice house for a slave.

ANAKIN, looking up at the sky:

Boy, look at all those stars! Do they all have systems?

QUI-GON:

They sure do, youngster.

ANAKIN:

When I grow up I'm going to visit every one of them and blow up all the planets. Ow, shit! What was that for?

QUI-GON:

Just checking your blood for infections, really. Standard Jedi first aid procedure.

ANAKIN:

Well, while you're poking at me can you find my transmitter?

QUI-GON:

Transmitter?

ANAKIN:

All slaves have a transmitter in them and if you try to leave, BOOM! It blows you up! Just like a planet!

QUI-GON:

You got issues, kid.

ANAKIN'S MOM:

Ani, stop playing with that strange man and come in to bed.

QUI-GON, speaking to Obi-Wan on the com-link:

I need a midichlorian count of this blood sample.

OBI-WAN:

You can't send solids through a com-link--well, I'll be damned, you can. Hey, the midichlorian count's off the chart! Boy, will Master Yoda be jealous--even he doesn't have a count this high!

QUI-GON:

No Jedi does.

OBI-WAN:

So what's that mean?

AUDIENCE:

He's not a Jedi!

ANAKIN'S MOM:

What are you talking about?

QUI-GON:

Oh, um, nothing. Hey, who did you say was Anakin's father?

ANAKIN'S MOM:

Er, he didn't have one. He's God. Anyway we only did it once so it doesn't count, right?

QUI-GON:

Right. Let's go to bed.

NEXT MORNING. POD RACE PLACE.

WATTO:

Hey, loser, you're gonna lose. I'm betting heavily on Sebulba.

QUI-GON:

I'll take that bet and raise you two slaves and a podracer.

WATTO:

Huh?

QUI-GON:

The boy and his mother against my pod that is actually the boy's pod but if I do that then you contribute the opening fee and if I lose you get my ship which isn't actually my ship because I stole it, so ha ha ha. I win both ways. Or I mean you win both ways. This offer void in states where prohibited.

WATTO:

Huh?

QUI-GON hands him a sheet of paper:

Just read this and sign at the bottom.

WATTO, reading the fine print:

No pod is worth two slaves!

QUI-GON:

Okay, the boy and half his mother.

WATTO:

No, wait, I just happen to have a chance cube right here in a little pouch. It's loaded but since you're a badass JEDI and stuff it won't matter. Blue the boy, pink. . . his mooooother.

Watto throws the di--er, "chance cube." Qui-Gon waves his hand and it lands on blue, to everyone's surprise.

WATTO:

Oh well, win some lose some. But it doesn't matter because Sebulba's pod is three times as big as everyone else's and he's gonna kick everyone's ass anyway. He always does. That's why Jabba dozes off halfway through the race.

Watto storms off. Flaps off.

QUI-GON:

You forgot your "chance cube."

Everyone else arrives on camels that aren't actually camels because they have elephant trunks.

ANAKIN:

So have you made a bet with Watto to free me if I win?

QUI-GON:

What gave you that stupid idea? No.

ANAKIN:

I think you have. I think black is a nice color. I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so. Are you an angel?

QUI-GON:

Yes. Go check your pod in case there's something loose dangling off it.

The pods are towed onto the Nascar track by various animals. Despite the fact that there are thousands of spectators, Sebulba breaks a little dangly thing on Anakin's pod without anyone noticing.

ANAKIN:

Oh well, that'll add to the excitement. I'm still gonna win cuz I'm the Messiah.

QUI-GON, to Anakin's Mom et al.:

I got us seats at the top of this telephone pole thing. I didn't even have to pay because I have awesome Jedi mind powers.

PADME, who is really the queen:

This race is a really stupid idea. The "queen" won't approve.

QUI-GON:

So who's gonna tell her?

PADME:

Well, I don't approve, pout pout.

QUI-GON:

What are you gonna do, cry about it? This is the world's tiniest violin playing "I'm so sorry." Qui-Gon makes the world's-tiniest-violin gesture and accidentally blanks the minds of a few passersby.

The announcer, ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX:

Now we'll announce all the racers at great length, starting with Mr. Potatohead and proceeding on through little Anakin Skywalker. Here come the flags and stuff. Whoops, little Anakin's droid is freezing up as sand enters vital components. You'd better give your droid his gold things, little Anakin, ha ha ha ha ha!

EVERYONE IN THE BLEACHERS:

Ha ha ha ha ha!

The race starts. Anakin wins. Who here was surprised?

WATTO:

That wasn't a fair bet. You rigged it with your awesome Jedi mind powers!

QUI-GON:

Prove it.

WATTO:

Darn. Here's all my money and the deed to Anakin.

OBI-WAN joins them:

Why do I sense we've picked up another pathetic life form?

QUI-GON:

I've got some "business" to take care of. You go on back to the ship with the pathetic life forms we picked up on Naboo.

Qui-Gon and Anakin go to Anakin's house.

ANAKIN:

Look, Mom, we sold the pod and got all this money! Go buy yourself or something.

ANAKIN'S MOM:

You mean I'm not free too?

QUI-GON:

Well, I tried, but not very hard. Life's tough all over, huh?

ANAKIN'S MOM:

I will let my suffering ennoble me.

ANAKIN:

I can't do it, Mom! I can't leave! Hang on, I gotta go pack.

C-3PO, shaking the sand out of his head gyro:

Aren't you going to finish me, Master Anakin?

ANAKIN:

I'm sorry I wasn't able to put your gold things on, C-3PO, but frankly Mom didn't really need a protocol droid anyway.

Qui-Gon and Anakin leave the house.

ANAKIN:

Will I ever see you again, Mom?

ANAKIN'S MOM:

What does your heart say?

ANAKIN:

Thump-thump, thump-thump.

ANAKIN'S MOM:

No, no, use your awesome Jedi mind powers.

ANAKIN:

Um, hold on. Yes. No. Ask again later.

ANAKIN'S MOM:

There, you see?

EXT. DARTH MAUL'S SHIP.

DARTH MAUL:

Hmm, they're about to leave the planet. If I get on my Li'l Evil Motorcycle I can show up just in time to not quite have the final battle. Mrowl-rowl.

Two brown-robed men run up to Darth Maul, waving lightsabers. Darth Maul kills them with his ultra-cool double-edged lightsaber and pushes them off the cliff. Then he gets on his motorcycle and rides away into the sunset, off the cliff.

DARTH MAUL:

Aieeeee, forgot about the cliff! Don't I look like the author's evil cat? Especially the times he tries to jump up onto the bathroom sink and misses?

EXT. QUI-GON'S STOLEN SHIP:

ANAKIN:

I'm tired. Let's stop and rest even though the ship is only four seconds away.

QUI-GON:

Anakin, duck!

ANAKIN:

Quack quack.

Darth Maul swooshes over Anakin's head and somersaults impressively off his li'l motorcycle o' evil. He and Qui-Gon fight, but they're obviously not pulling out all the stops this time.

ANAKIN:

Whoa! I want to be just like him when I grow up! Except without the face paint!

QUI-GON:

Go get in the ship! I'll handle this.

Anakin runs to the ship while Darth Maul beats the shit out of Qui-Gon.

OBI-WAN, watching from the window:

Take off! We can lose him if we hurry!

IDIOT PILOT:

But he's got the map to Coruscant in his pocket.

OBI-WAN:

Damn.

DARTH MAUL:

I'm not going to kill you this time. You're not even trying.

Qui-Gon rolls on the ground, clutching at his groin. The ship swings around and picks him up.

QUI-GON:

I almost had him! Three more minutes, just three more minutes!

OBI-WAN:

Who was that masked man?

QUI-GON:

I don't know but he was very skilled in the Jedi arts. Probably a Sith lord.

OBI-WAN:

But there haven't been Sith lords for centuries!

QUI-GON:

There haven't been virgin births for even longer. It never rains but it pours.

ANAKIN:

Is that an example of Jedi philosophizing? Let me try it! "A stitch in time saves nine."

QUI-GON:

Nine what? Heh heh, little Ani has a lot to learn. Anakin, meet my apprentice Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan, this is Anakin Skywalker. He will bring balance to the Force, after which we'll probably have to nail him to something.

ANAKIN:

Cool, another Jedi! I'm gonna kill you in a couple dozen years. My heart tells me so.

They take off.

ANAKIN, to Padme, who is really the queen:

Here, I made you a tacky thing to remember me by. I carved it myself in the last ten seconds.

PADME, who is really the queen:

Then why does it say "Made in Mos Eisley" on the back?

ANAKIN:

You find me hot, dontcha?

PADME, who is really the queen:

This whole thing is getting a little weird. I'm easily twice your age.

ANAKIN:

But I got lots of midichlorians.

IDIOT PILOT:

Hey, Anakin, want to try flying the ship?

PADME, who is really the queen:

Whew. You run along, Ani. Thank you, Idiot Pilot.

IDIOT PILOT, to Anakin:

So, son, ever been in a cockpit before? This lever turns on the headlights, and this little button here rings for the stewardess.

ANAKIN:

What's this one do?

IDIOT PILOT:

No! Er, we don't touch that one.

ANAKIN:

This thing controls the pitch, right?

IDIOT PILOT:

Heh heh, no, you little moron. That's the cigarette lighter. Look, here we are in Coruscant. The entire planet is one huge traffic jam. To the left of the ship you will see Chancellor Vellorum in his Chancellormobile. On the right is Senator Palpatine, wearing a lovely red robe with gold spangles, certain to be all the rage this year. Straight ahead of us is the historic Jedi Council Tower, where the greatest minds of the galaxy meet to discuss the Force!

They land on a platform conveniently the exact size for their stolen ship. Chancellor Vellorum and Senator Palpatine, otherwise known as the EMPEROR, meet them.

EMPEROR:

It's so good to see you alive, Queen. Let's go have a long boring conversation about politics.

VELLORUM:

Can I come?

EMPEROR:

No, we're going to talk about you. Here's a hint, I don't think you're in the next movie.

QUI-GON, to Vellorum:

I've got to see Yoda right now, okeeday? Shit, now I'm saying it too.

VELLORUM:

Roger roger. Wait, why are you ordering me around like you're some hotshot and I'm not the Lord High Chancellor of the Galactic Senate?

QUI-GON, waving his hand:

Yoda. Now.

VELLORUM:

Okay. My will is yours to control. Any laws you want passed?

QUI-GON:

Maybe later.

Exeunt omnes.

INT. JEDI TOWER.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan talk to the Jedi Council, which consists of Yoda, a token black guy, a token woman, some guy with a really really long neck who never speaks and waves his head back and forth like he's on drugs, a conehead, a furry guy, some guy who kinda looks like Yoda only not very much, and some other guys we don't remember.

QUI-GON:

I have encountered and almost defeated what I'm pretty sure is a Sith Lord.

YODA:

Pull the other one, bells on it has.

QUI-GON:

No really, he had this Sith Lord heavy metal make-up and everything. He looks like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent.

TOKEN-BLACK-JEDI MACE WINDU (I can't believe the co-author knew his name):

We thought the Sith had gone extinct years ago. We've had naturalists combing the rain forests for them and we haven't even found any tracks.

QUI-GON:

Well, you're really not gonna buy the next thing I'm about to tell you. I found this kid, you see, and he's got more midichlorians than blood. It's possible that the midichlorians actually conceived him and raised him from a very young age. He's God. Can I keep him?

OBI-WAN:

But I'm your apprentice!

QUI-GON:

Shut up, you're older than is strictly seemly. Isn't it time you graduated?

MACE WINDU:

Are you implying that this boy is the one who will bring balance to the Force?

QUI-GON:

No, no, of course not! That would be silly! I never meant anything like that!

YODA:

But you did! Clear your opinion is. Read your mind I can. Ewww!

QUI-GON:

Ahem. At least check the kid out, since we went to all the trouble of bringing him here.

Meanwhile, the Emperor is talking to the Queen, who may or may not be Padme at this point.

EMPEROR:

You'd better vote that lame duck Vellorum out. We need a new chancellor, a strong chancellor, a chancellor that eats his Wheaties.

QUEEN:

A chancellor who looks a lot like you?

EMPEROR:

Sure, why not? If the robe fits. . . .

Back at the Historic Jedi Tower, the Jedi Council test Anakin.

ANAKIN:

A ship. A speeder. A cup. Another ship.

MACE WINDU:

Which of these things is not like the others? Which of these things just doesn't belong?

ANAKIN:

A crazy straw. A potato peeler. The three of clubs. A dog. A sock. Two snakes doin' it. A roll of duct tape. An angel. Truth. Love. A teapot. A dark, menacing helmet. Another ship.

MACE WINDU gives Anakin a badge:

Congratulations. You're Boy Jedi for the day.

QUI-GON:

So are you going to train him?

MACE WINDU:

No. Duh.

QUI-GON:

Why not?

CONEHEAD GUY:

Look at him, he's ancient. We've gotta get 'em while they're still in nappies.

YODA:

Already filled with bad habits he is.

QUI-GON:

But-- but--

MACE WINDU:

Yoda told you NO, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin badass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.

Everyone looks at Mace Windu.

YODA:

Look, level with you Qui-Gon I will. Grow up to be Darth Vader Anakin going to is. Kill him right now a good idea would be.

QUI-GON:

Aw, he's just a cute li'l kid. Look at those dimples.

YODA:

Much fear I sense in you, Anakin.

ANAKIN:

Well, duh, you just said you were gonna kill me. Asshole.

YODA:

Aha, and anger too! Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to fear, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, I palindrome I.

Cut to SENATE CHAMBER.

The Senate Chamber is comprised of thousands of bumper cars stuck to the walls. Senator Palpatine's bumper car has front-mounted blasters on it.

QUEEN, who is really the queen right now we think:

. . . And in conclusion I find this invasion abominable, intolerable, and just plain mean. I had to leave almost all my clothes behind!

ALIENS WITH NO NOSTRILS:

We object! There isn't any invasion!

VELLORUM:

Let's go send someone to check. It shouldn't take any more than ten years or so and then we can vote. Of course then our vote has to go through the Galactic House of Representatives and the Galactic Supreme Court, after which it must go through the Bureau of Galactic Traffic Safety to ensure full compliance with the standards set forth by the 107th Galactic Committee on Standards.

QUEEN:

Off with your head! Oh wait, we're a democracy. I call for a vote of no confidence. Throw that guy out.

EMPEROR, to the Queen:

This is the good part. Now they can elect a new chancellor, a strong chancellor, a chancellor who is really an emperor--er, a go-getter I mean.

EVERYONE IN THE BUMPER CARS:

Yea! Nay! General uproar!

E.T.:

Ouuuuch.

INT. SOME ROOM WHERE THE QUEEN IS, a little while later. The Queen is brooding. We are not sure if she is the Queen or Padme right now.

JAR JAR:

Hey, Queen. Meesa can cheer you up with meesa's idiotic prattling.

QUEEN:

I'm worried about someone getting at my clothes. What if those aliens try them on and rip the seams? Ewww, I can't believe I'm talking to a Gungan!

JAR JAR:

Gungans got a huge ferocious army. Meesa thinkin' that's why you no likum us, cuz we could kick your ass.

QUEEN:

Hmm. This gives me a clever idea.

INT. SOME HALLWAY OR SOMETHING.

OBI-WAN:

What did you have to go defy the Council again for? You're embarrassing me.

QUI-GON:

Too bad. I'm an older, wiser Jedi than you so I know that Anakin will grow up to bring balance to the Force.

OBI-WAN:

Yoda said he's going to go to the Dark Side and kill me.

QUI-GON:

Yes, I'm keeping that in mind too.

INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY.

EMPEROR:

Hello, your highness. As I expected, I've been nominated to succeed Vellorum. When I am elected, I promise to lower taxes.

QUEEN:

Who else is nominated?

CAPTAIN T-B-G:

Some guy from Alderaan and some guy from somewhere else.

EMPEROR:

I'm having them killed.

QUEEN:

I want to go back to Naboo and get my clothes, okay?

CAPTAIN T-B-G:

No, your highness, it's far too dangerous. Oh, it's hard being the lone voice of reason.

EMPEROR:

I'd go with you but I have, um, important council business here and stuff. Right now, for instance, I have to put on my black hood and contact the aliens with no nostrils about your imminent arrival.

CAPTAIN T-B-G:

Black hood?

QUEEN:

Aliens with no nostrils?

EMPEROR:

Whoops, slip of the tongue. I mean I have to go grease some palms.

They get back in their stolen ship and go back to Naboo, which is apparently only a few minutes away. On Naboo they send Jar Jar to find the Gungans.

JAR JAR (emerging from swamp):

Theysa no there.

QUI-GON, to queen:

So what do we do about your clever plan now that all the Gungans are dead?

JAR JAR:

Theysa not dead, theysa just sleeping. Theysa musta gone to secret place. Meesa take you there.

SECRET PLACE, one second later. It is full of Gungans.

OBI-WAN:

Gosh, this sure is a secret place, hidden right here in the middle of these trees and stuff. We would never have found it without you.

BOSS NASS:

What yousa want?

QUEEN:

Um, we want, um, damn I forgot my lines. We want something, hang on.

PADME, who is really the queen:

Wait, I'm really the queen.

QUEEN:

Liar. Go clean a droid or something. I'm the queen.

PADME:

Nunt-uh. Give me that headdress.

QUEEN:

No! It's mine--ouch! You bitch!

OBI-WAN:

Cat fight! Cat fight!

PADME, who is really the queen and has the Queen's Headdress to prove it:

Okay, we need your help to throw the bad guys off the planet. Look, I'm kneeling down here in the mud and so is everyone else. I said, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE.

Everyone else kneels, except the Queen who is really Padme.

QUEEN, who is not the queen right now:

I'm not getting mud on my sixteenth favorite dress.

BOSS NASS:

Meesa liken diss. Okeeday, meesa will throw my faithful followers in front of thousands of ruthless battle droids to distract the aliens without nostrils so you can break into the palace. Slobbers.

EVERYONE:

Aw, he's so cute when he slobbers like that.

BOSS NASS:

Jar Jar, yousa were responsible for diss so meesa gonna make you a general.

Jar Jar has a heart attack from shock and dies.

AUDIENCE:

Really?

AUTHORS:

No, we were just kidding.

The Gungans march off to war. Fortunately someone has alerted the battle droids so they are there to meet them, because it would suck if they got to Battle Hill and there was no one to fight. Meanwhile, the Band of Intrepid Adventurers and the Queen sneak into the Palace. This involves killing a lot of droids but hardly any people so the video game won't get the dreaded "Humans Killed" rating.

PADME:

Let's split up so we can confuse the aliens.

QUI-GON:

Anakin, the safest place for you to hide is in the cockpit of this fighter.

ANAKIN:

As long as I get R2-D2. Uh oh, cool rolling droids that look like mechanical scorpions! I'd better shoot them with the ship's blasters. But I don't know what the trigger looks like. Is it this little switch? Whoops, no, that turns on the ship. Is it this round button? Nope, that's the cigarette lighter. Oh, it must be this big gun-shaped trigger thing. Hehe, take that, scorpion droid scum! I like killing things! Oh no, the ship's on auto pilot, conveniently flying me to the alien space station!

CUT TO EPIC BATTLE.

Droid #1:

We've been shooting for an hour and none of our shots can get through their shields.

Droid #2:

Hey, I know, we can walk through the force field and slaughter them all with alacrity.

Droid #1:

Roger roger.

CUT TO THE CASTLE.

Some doors open and Darth Maul is standing on the other side.

OBI-WAN:

I'll handle this.

QUI-GON:

Now wait a minute! I nearly had him last time. He's scared of me now.

DARTH MAUL:

Mrowl, fft fft.

They whip out their lightsabers and start fighting.

AUDIENCE:

Awright! This is great!

CUT TO EPIC BATTLE.

AUDIENCE:

Boo, this is boring!

The Gungans are in retreat although oddly enough we don't see many dead Gungans lying around.

JAR JAR:

Aiiieeee! Meesa hanging off a tank, just like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade!

SOME OTHER GUNGAN GUY:

Except that it is not even slightly as interesting. Jar Jar, it occurs to me that your best course of action at this point would be to use a boomah to destroy the tank.

JAR JAR:

Boomahs dangerous!

GUNGAN GUY:

Nonsense, they hardly ever kill anything but mechaneeks. Take it, wimp.

Jar Jar juggles the boomer amusingly, just as Crow T. Robot comes out of the tank.

CROW T. BATTLE DROID ROBOT:

Sizzle. Boom.

CUT TO ANAKIN.

ANAKIN:

Ooh, is that a droid command ship? That must be where we're headed. Artoo, get us off this auto pilot before we're both killed! Or I get killed and you just get blown up since you're not actually alive. One second later. Wow, you did it, Artoo!

AUDIENCE:

Boy, we were on the edge of our seats. Would the valiant little droid get them off auto pilot in time?

ANAKIN:

Whoops, we're surrounded by Crow T. Robots and the ship's overheated. I guess getting us off auto pilot wasn't such a hot idea after all.

CUT TO NABOO CASTLE.

Padme, who is really the queen, and her little group of anonymous bit characters are captured by the aliens without nostrils after rappelling up the side of the building with their Bat-Grappeling Hooks.

ALIEN #1:

Who are you!

PADME, who is really the queen:

I'm Padme. Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

The queen, who is really Padme, runs up with her little group of anonymous bit characters from a different direction. We don't know how they got there, especially with the queen wearing that great big dress. It's not like she could rappel up the side of the building in that outfit.

ALIEN:

This one's a decoy! Go after the one dressed like the queen!

PADME, who is really the queen:

Here, Captain T-B-G, this is my secret gunholding place in the throne, because you never know when you'll need to kill some annoying royal subject. She throws Captain T-B-G a silver saltshaker, which they use to blast their way to freedom and take the aliens hostage. That was easy.

CUT TO ANAKIN.

ANAKIN:

What does this do? The fighter's windows go up and down. Hey, that fixed the ship! I'll shoot a lot and do some random damage.

One of Anakin's shots destroys the main reactor of the space station.

ANAKIN:

I didn't mean to do that but on the whole I guess it's probably just as well. I'll have to remember to put the main reactor of the Death Star in a really safe place rather than out in the middle of a hallway. Let's go, Artoo!

They race the explosion out of the space station, in grand Star Wars tradition.

CUT TO EPIC BATTLE.

All the battle droids sag and fall over.

JAR JAR:

They are broken! Yay!

GUNGANS:

Yay! Our numbers were decimated for no reason! We could have waited a few hours and no one would have died! Yay!

GEORGE LUCAS:

Okay, that's a wrap. Everybody go home.

AUDIENCE:

Dammit, what about the big fight between the Jedis?

CUT TO JEDI FIGHT.

The Jedi are stuck in little compartments formed by rhythmically opening and closing forcefields.

QUI-GON:

Dammit, I'm saving my game. Crouches down and pretends to go to sleep.

Darth Maul paces back and forth, exactly like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent when he can't get at a bug. Finally the forcefields open, but only long enough for Qui-Gon to run out into the room and Obi-Wan to run into the last little compartment so he can watch.

This is the coolest fight scene ever, including ones in movies that haven't even been made yet. Everyone is astonished when Darth Maul makes a neat little hole through Qui-Gon, especially the millions of people who got told what happens before they went to see the movie.

OBI-WAN:

Argh! I'm gonna get you for that! Now I have to train that little pipsqueak Anakin!

DARTH MAUL:

Heh heh. Rowl-mrowl.

The forcefields open again and Obi-Wan and Darth Maul fight some more. Obi-Wan ends up with his ass kicked too, hanging from a convenient precipice. Darth Maul knocks Obi-Wan's lightsaber down the hole and paces casually back and forth, taking playful swipes at Obi-Wan's unprotected head. This is just what the author's evil cat Saint Vincent would do if he ever defeated a Jedi, only Saint Vincent would also remember to use his awesome Jedi mind powers to pry Obi-Wan's fingers off the ledge. Or at least knock Qui-Gon's lightsaber down the hole too. Darth Maul could take lessons from my cat.

DARTH MAUL:

Now you see that evil must triumph, because good is dumb.

OBI-WAN:

Oh yeah? Don't move, you've got a wasp on your head. I'll get it off.

Obi-Wan jumps up, grabs Qui-Gon's lightsaber, and somersaults over Darth Maul's head, then slices him neatly in half. Darth Maul looks surprised, then topples over backwards.

OBI-WAN:

Meow.

QUI-GON:

I'm not dead yet. Train Anakin for me, okay? Can't seem to. . . die. Taking me. . . forever. I just want you to know that. . . that. . . .

OBI-WAN:

What? What?

Qui-Gon dies.

OBI-WAN:

Well, shit.

INT. CREMATION PLACE.

Qui-Gon's body is being cremated on the top of a pile of mangled brown-robed bodies.

ANAKIN:

Can I toast marshmallows?

MACE WINDU, to Yoda:

So it was a Sith lord. Boy, is there egg on my face.

YODA:

Always two Sith there are, never more never less. Except right after you kill one. Then there's less. Or maybe if you kill both, then there's none.

INT. JEDI COUNCIL TOWER:

YODA:

My pleasure it is to confer on you the level of Jedi Knight. Roll three six-sided "chance cubes" and add the total to your maximum hitpoints. You may now carry an additional weapon and have an extra 15 chance of success when climbing walls. You will receive your diploma in the mail within two weeks.

OBI-WAN:

Wow, cool. I can take an apprentice now, right? I'm going to train Anakin. Qui-Gon suckered me into promising, since he was dying and everything.

YODA:

Qui-Gon's stupidity I sense in you. Need that you do not. But okay, sure, why not?

FINAL SCENE. PAR-TAY on NABOO.

Everyone on the planet is at the big parade. There are horse statues on this big arch thing, although this galaxy doesn't have any horses. Just wanted to point that out.

QUEEN, who is really the queen:

Unfortunate hair, Anakin.

ANAKIN:

Yeah, Obi-Wan made me get it cut. I hafta look just like him now, like Liberace's protege.

The queen hands Boss Nass a disco ball.

GEORGE LUCAS:

Great, everyone. That was great. You know, this movie is closer to my original vision than any of the other ones. You know what I like best about it? I read about mitochondria in a back issue of Science Magazine and thought up this neat idea about how to water the Force down and make it stupid. Let's take a few hours and I'll tell you all about midichlorians. Hey--where is everyone going? Come back! I'm not done yet!

Everyone leaves.

THE END


	6. Episode II: Insert Nifty Title Here

It is a time of great unrest, as always. The lunatics are running the asylum. The baby's been thrown out with the bathwater. The fat's all the way in the fire. Bad things are gonna happen. But first, some meetings.

Grand-chancellor Palpatine, backed by the evil plots of the mysterious Darth Sidious, who has never been photographed with Palpatine although we're quite sure that's merely a coincidence, seeks to establish an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC(tm) so that he can become the EMPEROR(tm). Meanwhile, Count Dooku, a wizard of much power, is trying to stir up trouble by leading a separatist movement comprised of his and Palpatine's mutual friends. The Jedi do not think this is odd because the DARK SIDE(tm) has clouded their minds. As if all this wasn't enough, EX-QUEEN AMIDALA is back--and now she's a Senator! Promotion at last! Unfortunately someone's also trying to kill her.

EXT. CORUSCANT. A big ship that sounds like a blimp lands and a bunch of extras come out of it, joined by OLE ONE-EYE, an apparent replacement for Captain Token-Black-Guy, and EX-QUEEN AMIDALA, dressed as a pilot so that the bad guys will never ever guess it's her.

OLE ONE-EYE:

Oh well, I guess I was wrong, nothing's going to explode horribly. Maybe I've got the wrong script. Oops, guess not.

EX-QUEEN AMIDALA attempts to look stricken.

Oh dear, my loyal extra, writhing in horrible pain on the ground.

EXTRA:

I've failed you. I seem to be mortal. I'm sorry.

EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:

You're fired. God rot your soul!

EXTRA dies.

INT. CASTLE GREYSKULL

MACE WINDU:

This is going to lead to war, mark my words.

Grand-chancellor Palpatine, the EMPEROR:

Wah! Good god y'all! There hasn't been a wah since 1902. My negotiations will be short--I mean, will not fail. Send de droid.

MACE WINDU:

Disgruntled spice miners are behind this. They're sick of working for that Baron Harkonnen.

EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:

Are you sure it's not Count Dooku? He dresses in black, he has a British accent, and he's Christopher Lee. Possibly that means he's Saruman. Saruman was bad, wasn't he?

YODA consults his copy of The Lord of the Rings:

Well, he was the head of the White Council.

EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:

No, look, he's a traitor! How long has it been since you read this, anyway?

YODA:

Not since high school. Impossible too see the future is. The dark side clouds everything. Oops, that was a Jedi secret. Did I say it out loud? Damn the dark side!

MACE WINDU:

Anyway, they're after you. What oh what will we do? We're helpless to do anything to help you!

EMPEROR:

I have a cunning plan, m'lord! Let's get your old pals Obi Wan and Anakin to guard you!

EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:

Why them, specifically?

EMPEROR:

I have my reasons. What they are nobody knows, including me, but I'm sure there are reasons.

INT. AMIDALA'S PAD

EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:

Annie? Little Annie? You've grown! You're older than me now!

ANAKIN:

That's because I've got a new actor. Hey, I get to be your BODYguard! Rrrrrrowl.

EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:

Are you allowed to lech? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi.

ANAKIN:

Not as long as we don't get too attached. In fact, you might say that they encourage us to fuck around.

OBI-WAN:

Shhh. That's part of the secret teachings.

ANAKIN:

Anyway, we're going to find out who's after you and slaughter them like animals.

OBI-WAN:

Oh no we're not, we're staying right here, young man. You need to learn to follow my lead, young one, and learn your place.

OLE ONE-EYE:

Actually, we need you to find who's after the Ex-Queen and slaughter them like animals.

ANAKIN:

Try to keep up, "master."

EXT. TOKYO, where some ads are in a really bad spot because no one's there to see them except the occasional bounty hunter.

JANGO FETT, handing a tube of squirmy giant maggots to Zen Bandito:

Be careful, they're really gross.

ZEN:

Great, I just happen to have brought a bug-dispenser droid in my speeder. Feeds the tube of squirmy giant maggots into the bug-dispenser droid. There. Pause. Now why did I have to do that and not you, again?

JANGO:

Fingerprints.

ZEN:

You're wearing gloves.

JANGO:

Gloves. Riiiiiight.

INT. AMIDALA'S PAD, night

OBI-WAN:

I got the beer and popcorn. Turn on the ex-queen's viewscreen, we're in for a whole night of chick-watchin.

ANAKIN:

I don't know why, but she covered up the cameras. I don't think she liked me watching her and drooling on the viewscreen. Or maybe it was the heavy breathing. But it's okay, I can sense everything that's going on in that room. Heh heh.

OBI-WAN:

Well, I can sense everything in there too.

ANAKIN:

Cannot.

OBI-WAN:

Can too.

ANAKIN:

Cannot.

OBI-WAN:

Can too.

ANAKIN:

Cannot. Wait, I sense there's some bugs in there that will sting Amidala to death!

OBI-WAN:

I sense it too!

ANAKIN:

Cannot.

OBI-WAN:

Can too.

ANAKIN:

Cannot.

OBI-WAN:

Can too--hey, I'm coming too!

Anakin leaps into Amidala's room and slices the bugs neatly in half.

ANAKIN:

Follow that bug-dispenser droid! Whoa, I didn't mean, you know, jump through the window.

OBI-WAN hanging from the droid with one hand and holding a Mountain Dew in the other:

EXTREEEEEME!

Anakin runs outside and steals someone's speeder.

ANAKIN:

Gone in sixty seconds. Woohoo, look at me!

Anakin flies through the traffic after Obi-Wan. A cop flies out after him.

ANAKIN:

What are you gonna do, pull me over for driving while Jedi?

COP:

Jedi poodoo.

Zen shoots Obi-Wan off the droid and down, down he goes. Anakin catches him in the ship.

OBI-WAN:

Whew. What took you so long?

ANAKIN:

You know me, it took me a while to find a speeder I liked.

OBI-WAN:

You and your speeder fetish.

ANAKIN:

One with an open cockpit and the right shade of red.

OBI-WAN:

Yes, whatever.

ANAKIN:

One with a conveniently placed cigarette lighter and a CD player.

OBI-WAN:

I know, I know, shut up.

ANAKIN:

One with arrrrgh.

OBI-WAN:

I said shut up. Where are you going, she so totally went the other way.

ANAKIN:

I'm taking a shortcut through the plaaaaanet core.

OBI-WAN:

Oh, okay. Cool.

Much later

ANAKIN:

There she goes into that club.

OBI-WAN:

Hey, valet parking. Nice place. So who are we looking for, anyway?

ANAKIN:

I think she's a changeling.

OBI-WAN:

Well, it's times like this, my boy, when you want to be extra careful. I'll be at the bar.

PUSHER WITH DEELYBOPPERS:

Want some deathsticksssss?

OBI-WAN:

You don't want to sell me deathsticks.

PUSHER:

I don't want to sell you deathsticksssssssss.

ANAKIN:

Can't find her anywhere. Hey, master, try a deathstick. They're awesome! --Hey, there she goes! She's the one dressed like a bounty hunter!

OBI-WAN:

Quick, cut her arm off so she can't escape!

ANAKIN:

Jedi business. Go back to your boozing and whoring.

They drag Zen outside.

OBI-WAN:

Please tell us who hired you to assassinate the senator.

ANAKIN:

Or we cut off the other arm.

OBI-WAN:

My Jedi-sense is tingling! I sense a bounty hunter is about to shoot this other bounty hunter!

ZEN:

Ow! She dies.

OBI-WAN:

That armor guy shot her with this super-extra-toxic instakill dart! I'd better go check with my pal Dexter, the big fat slob. He's an expert on toxins. You might not want to eat at his diner, though.

ANAKIN:

Hey, who's watching Amidala?

OBI-WAN:

Oops.

INT. DEXTER'S DINER, the next morning

OBI-WAN:

Dexter, you big fat slob! How're they hanging? I've got this dart thing here--what can you tell me about it?

DEXTER, digging at his butt crack with one hand:

Oh, that's a Camino saber dart.

OBI-WAN:

Isn't that a car?

DEXTER:

Well, yeah, but it's also a dart. You only get this kind of dart on Camino. They're cloners up there. They clone stuff. With clones. Clones R Us. They call each other on the tele-clone. They sit around listening to the clone-agraph, that song "I Think I'm a Clone Now." They hang out their clones on a clones-line.

OBI-WAN:

Oh, so they clone, huh? And make darts?

DEXTER:

Yeah. Clones and darts, that's basically all they do.

INT. JEDI HALL

MACE WINDU:

Obi-Wan, you need to go find out what the hell's going on.

OBI-WAN:

But what about Amidala?

YODA:

Handle that your apprentice will.

OBI-WAN:

Whoa. Bad idea.

MACE WINDU:

Why?

OBI-WAN:

He keeps making these weird death threat phone calls to me but he doesn't think I know it's him. Creepy, really.

INT. AMIDALA'S PAD

AMIDALA:

Jar Jar, I've got to go run away screaming like a little girl, so take over for me. Look busy.

JAR JAR, mouth taped shut:

Mph.

ANAKIN:

Don't get me wrong, Obi-Wan's great, but I hate him, he's such an asshole, and his stupid beard, and his wise sayings that make no sense whatsoever, I think they're Zen cloans or something. He's like a father to me, but I want to slaughter him like an animal and jump up and down on his bones and skin him and gut him and yell rude things at him in public and OOOOOOO he makes me mad. He's holding me back! Anyway I'm six times more powerful than him but he won't admit it. He's jealous! He's holding me back!

AMIDALA:

Um, are you okay? Because I was over here talking to Jar Jar and we heard you going on about something. I didn't catch what.

ANAKIN:

Oh, nothing.

AMIDALA:

Please don't look at me like that.

ANAKIN, crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue:

Like what? Like this? Why?

AMIDALA:

It makes me uncomfortable.

ANAKIN:

Does this bother you? I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you!

INT. JEDI LIBRARY, with rows and rows of neon lights on shelves.

OBI-WAN:

Well, I guess if I'd wanted some neon lights I've come to the right place.

OLD LIBRARIAN JEDIETTE:

Ssssssssssh.

OBI-WAN:

Ah, hell with it. I'll ask Yoda.

YODA, doing lightsaber drills with a pack of kindergartners:

Good, younglings. Whoa, watch where you point that you must! Get a new cat we will. Billy, pulling hair of Susie stop you must. Dougie, spit out that gum you will.

OBI-WAN:

I can't find Camino on the map. But there's little gravity things all over.

YODA:

Maybe these lisping infants give us the answers can. Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?

BABY JEDI:

Mathter? Might it be right in the middle of the gravity things?

OBI-WAN smacks his forehead.

Duh. Damn that dark side clouding everything.

YODA:

Off you go. Find your planet.

EXT. CAMINO, the Rain Planet. Obi-Wan lands on a little landing pad in the middle of a giant storm-lashed ocean.

OBI-WAN:

Good thing this is a small planet, I might have had trouble finding this place since I didn't actually know what I was looking for. Goes inside, where he is met by a pale stick person in a very clean dry white hallway. Hi, is this the planet headquarters?

CAMINOAN:

Why yes, we've been sitting here for years just waiting for you. Right this way.

OBI-WAN:

So, you make clones here, huh?

CAMINOAN:

And darts.

OBI-WAN:

Darts, yeah. Why darts?

CAMINOAN:

You've obviously never been to a clone party.

INT. PRIME MINISTER'S PRISTINE WHITE ROOM

PRIME MINISTER:

Greetings, Jedi Master. Please sit in this pristine white clean seed.

OBI-WAN:

Don't mind if I do. Mind if I smoke?

PRIME MINISTER:

Mmmmmm. You are paying us a lot for these millions of clones.

OBI-WAN hawking up a gob and spitting on the floor:

Actually I'm investigating a murder, but we can talk clones if you like. Millions of 'em, eh?

PRIME MINISTER, looking pained:

Would you care to inspect them? They're very impressive and tidy.

OBI-WAN stubbing out his cigarette on the seed seat:

Who ordered the clones anyway? I mean, I already know, I'm just testing you.

PRIME MINISTER:

Sifo-Diaz.

OBI-WAN:

Gesundheit.

PRIME MINISTER looking confused:

Thank you.

OBI-WAN:

Oh wait, I remember him. He's been dead for over ten years.

PRIME MINISTER:

Dead? Oh dear, how messy. Oh well, as long as he pays the bill we won't check for a pulse.

OBI-WAN:

Right. Send in the clones.

CAMINOAN:

Very good, sir. Right this way.

INT. PRISTINE WHITE HALLWAY.

OBI-WAN:

Wow, look at all those Matrix babies! I must admit this is very impressive.

CAMINOAN:

No no, this is just the video game we're developing. The clones are through this door.

OBI-WAN:

Oh. Well, they're still impressive in their little clone school helmets and stuff.

CAMINOAN:

Oh my yes, they're much better than that army of tongueless Jar Jars that someone ordered last week. They're based on a bounty hunter named Jango Fett. We keep him here in a little box. They're just like him, only we spliced in some basset hound genes to make them more docile and drooly.

CLONES:

Awwoooooooooo.

OBI-WAN:

Yeah? I'd really like to meet this Jango Fett.

CAMINOAN:

Okay. Right this way.

INT. JANGO FETT'S PRISTINE CLEAN WHITE BOX

OBI-WAN:

Well hello there, little guy. I thought you'd be older.

BOBA FETT:

Dad, some druid here to see you.

JANGO FETT:

We don't serve druids-- oh, it's a Jedi. Always good to meet a Jedi.

OBI-WAN:

Do you know anything about this dart?

JANGO FETT:

CoughsBoba, close the armor There are lots of darts here on Camino. They make them here. Along with clones of me.

OBI-WAN:

So, do you get out much? Like, maybe to Coruscant--you know, to murder people?

JANGO FETT:

Nope, just stay here in m'box.

OBI-WAN:

That must make the bounty hunting extra difficult.

JANGO FETT:

I'm just a regular joe trying to make my way in this crazy world. Trying to raise my little clone right, ya know.

OBI-WAN:

Right. Sorry to have bothered you. Damn, I guess this trip was a wash, although it's good to know about all those clones. I wonder if that joker Sifa-Diaz has been making prank clone calls from beyond the grave again.

Obi-Wan and the Caminoan leave.

JANGO FETT:

Get the stuff together, Boba, we're clearing out of the box.

EXT. NABOO ISLAND PARADISE.

ANAKIN:

I don't like sand. It gets all over the place and it's coarse and rough. I also don't like zombies, and Ty-D-Bol, and beef. Not like here. Here everything is smooth and soft and heaving and…engorged with desire….

AMIDALA:

Um, are you okay?

ANAKIN:

Ahem. Um, just thinking about cold things, like snow, and Klondike bars. They're good. Nothing like sand. So…let's talk politics. That should get my mind off my dic--dic--er, dictatorship, what do you think about dictators? I think Stalin was keen.

AMIDALA:

I believe that politicians should serve the people and we should all get along like one great big happy family.

ANAKIN:

Bah. I think a dictatorship would be groovy. What we really need is an emperor, with a masked heavy breathing minion doing his will and enforcing his every dictate. Then those Sith guys would work for us because we're evil. End of problem.

EXT. CAMINO LANDING PAD. Still raining.

OBI-WAN:

Hey, he's that armor guy! Time to throw down!

JANGO FETT:

Damn. I should have never left my box.

Cool fight ensues, during which Obi-Wan manages to slap a spider tracer on Jango's ship

JANGO FETT:

He's following us. Deploy one of those hard rock chord bombs we bought from the KISS Army.

HARD ROCK CHORD BOMB:

For those about to rock, WE SALUTE YOU! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamp!

BOBA:

Eat hair metal, druid loser!

OBI-WAN:

Damn, this is why I hate flying--these stupid little bags of peanuts.

JANGO:

Now we just gotta finish him off. Fly, my missiles, fly!

BOBA:

Dad, you did remember to set "don't chase trash" on that missile, right?

JANGO:

Er, no, but he'll never think of that. We won't be seeing him again.

INT. NABOO LOVE NEST

AMIDALA:

Annie are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay Annie?

ANAKIN:

I can't breathe. I think I may be allergic to forbidden love.

AMIDALA:

…

ANAKIN:

Are you suffering as much as I am? Tell me. I'm haunted by the kiss you never actually gave me. My heart is beating, thumpety thump thump, hoping that that kiss will not become a scar. Your eyes are barbs in my very soul, piercing me to the bone, nailing me to the cross of my love. Say something, anything…. Deliver me from my torment!

AMIDALA:

That's nice, did you write it yourself?

ANAKIN:

Kiss me, you fool!

AMIDALA:

No…no, I think I'm going to become a nun.

ANAKIN:

Then why are you showing more skin in every scene with me? Look at you, you've got some sort of leather bondage thing going right now. Or are you going to be one of those kinds of nuns? Come on, gimme some sugar.

AMIDALA:

Hey, no means no, buddy. Or are you going to use your Jedi mind tricks on me?

ANAKIN:

Nah, they only work on the weak-minded and I'm frankly not sure you have a mind at all.

EXT. GEONOSIS, which has lots of GEOlogy and NOSES. No, not noses. It has lots and lots of stalagmites all over, which means this planet used to be very wet and made of limestone--but that's all over now. Now it's a dry red planet like Mars.

OBI-WAN:

I must fight my way through this harsh climate and bleak forbidding landscape to get to the bottom of this! Ah, this looks like the secret passage to the evil meeting room!

SARUMAN, in the evil meeting room with his inner circle of Bat-villains:

…and then we destroy the environment! Blah! Blah! Two-Face, I believe you've invented a weapon of infinite destruction?

TWO-FACE:

Yeah, I call it the Great Big Round Weapon of Infinite Destruction!

THE PENGUIN:

The umbrella-maker's union is behind you, Saruman! Auk!

THE JOKER:

Say, that reminds me of a joke. A droid walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve droids here." The droid says, "I'm not a droid, I'm a frayed knot." HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW.

OBI-WAN:

My God! It's even worse than I imagined! I've got to warn the others! Whips out his CB radio and calls home

SARUMAN:

What's that noise up in the air ducts? It sounds like someone's radioing our plans to the Jedi Council. Aha! A Jedi! Not so fast, do-gooder! Seize him!

EXT. NABOO PALACE TERRACE, dawn. Anakin looks sleepy and haggard.

AMIDALA:

You had a bad dream last night, didn't you? I heard you moaning and gasping.

ANAKIN:

Um, Jedi don't have bad dreams. That must have been the washing machine.

AMIDALA:

I'd better leave.

ANAKIN:

No, your presence is soothing, really. Klondike bars. Klondike bars.

AMIDALA:

Are you sure you didn't have a bad dream about your mother being captured and tortured by sandpeople? On Tatooine?

ANAKIN:

Oh yeah, that. That was just my Jedi vision thing. Oh, but that reminds me, I need to go rescue my mother. You can come too if you want.

INT. ARENA where Obi-Wan is strung up in manacles with graphic particle effects.

SARUMAN:

As you can see, my CGI workstations are far more advanced than yours. You could just tell me where the One Ring is.

OBI-WAN:

I'll never join you! You're not my father!

SARUMAN:

I should hope not. Very well, you have chosen the way of PAIN! To his orcs Chain him to the arena post and wait for his apprentice and his bit of hot stuff to arrive. I have felt it in the Dark Side.

EXT. TATOOINE MARKET, with extra flies.

WATTO:

Ani? Itsa me, Watto! You sure grew uppa fast, you get a new actor or something? Hey, you're a Jedi! Float some rocks around, I love dat.

ANAKIN:

I'm looking for my mommy.

WATTO:

Who? Oh yeah, I traded her for pogs. I've still got 'em, somewhere. Say, maybe you coulda help me wid some deadbeats who owe me--

ANAKIN:

You traded my mother for POGS?

WATTO:

Yeah, they're verra nice. Anyway the guy I traded her to married her, hah, go figure. They've gotta nice igloo just outsidea town, I'll give you the address.

EXT. MOISTURE FARM

OWEN LARS:

Uh, hi, I'm your Uncle--er, I mean stepbrother Owen. Howdy. This here's my decorative girlfriend Beru.

BERU gives a little wave.

ANAKIN:

So where's my mommy? I came all this way to find my mommy and I'm not leaving until I find her. Are you torturing her in sandpeople suits?

KLIEG LARS:

We only did that once, but it was all in fun. Now that you mention it, I haven't seen her in a while. I've been kind of preoccupied by the fact that my leg was cut off. Lost it in the clone war. Oh wait, I guess not.

ANAKIN:

Whatever. Guess I'll go ask the Jawas.

Anakin goes and asks the Jawas, then goes and rescues his mom--but it's too late, too late! So he kills everyone.

Back at the moisture farm.

ANAKIN:

I slaughtered them like animals. And not just the men--the women, and the children. Imperial Death March music begins to play And then I went and killed the Jawas, and the townspeople, and Jabba's family, and that wanker Sebulba who was always sabotaging my pod, and a lot of banthas, and I finished up with some little furry thing--I think it was an Ewok. I can't believe I killed them all. Man, that was hard work. I've got to come up with some way to automate this. Maybe a great big round superweapon.

AMIDALA:

That's nice. You want some wookie cookies? Me and Beru made some.

ANAKIN:

Yeah, okay.

AMIDALA:

Oh, by the way, you got a message from Obi-Wan. I wrote it down. Obi-Wan says he's going to die horribly all alone but you're to stay put, okay?

ANAKIN:

Well, orders are orders. What's for supper?

AMIDALA:

Awww. We never do anything together anymore. Let's go, it'll be fun.

ANAKIN:

Oh, okay. I guess he is my Jedi master and like a father to me and everything. Twist my arm.

EXT. GEONOSIS. Anakin and Amidala approach in their ship.

AMIDALA:

Perhaps I can use my pull as a senator to impress the janitors in the steam vents. Land there.

ANAKIN:

Are you sure those are steam vents? Maybe they're volcanoes. This place is packed with geology, you know.

AMIDALA:

Trust me, evil overlords always have steam vents and ventilation shafts and air ducts and stuff. They always lead right to the evil headquarters or the central reactor that makes everything blow up.

ANAKIN:

Yeah? Is there a manual you can get about evil overlording? Just, you know, for entertainment purposes only.

They land in the steam vent, which has a convenient landing pad and walkway.

ANAKIN:

Good thing there's no boiler at the bottom of this steam vent. I wonder where the steam's coming from. Ooh, mosquito people.

AMIDALA:

I'll negotiate. Noble mosquito people, we come in peace--ow, ouch, he stung me, ow! Stupid mosquito people.

ANAKIN:

Oh well. Kills them all

They open a door onto…

AMIDALA:

It's a video game! Oh no! I'm terrible at video games!

ANAKIN:

Okay, you go for the power pills and I'll shoot all the asteroids. Just follow this pattern and the ghosts'll never come near you.

EXT. ARENA. Anakin and Amidala are handcuffed in a cart waiting to be hauled into the arena to their DOOM.

AMIDALA:

Some pattern, Pinball Wizard.

ANAKIN:

Well, it always gets me up to the ninth key.

AMIDALA:

The orange ghost got me. The orange ghost never gets anybody. And you totally didn't warn me about all the barrels you have to jump over.

ANAKIN:

It's all Obi-Wan's fault! He's holding me back! I hope he dies and dies and dies and dies and dies!

AMIDALA:

Well, why don't you just use your EXTREME Jedi powers to get us out of this, huh? I thought you were more powerful than Yoda and all that shit.

ANAKIN:

I'm pacing myself.

They are dragged into the arena and chained to big posts right next to Obi-Wan.

SARUMAN:

Let the games begin! Event one is…the pole vault!

OBI-WAN:

This is going to be harder than I thought.

TWO-FACE whispers to Saruman.

SARUMAN:

Ah. Event one is…beast attack! Send in the generic monsters!

GENERIC MONSTERS:

Growl. Rarrrr. Bellow. Snort. Angry noise.

THE PENGUIN:

It would be so much simpler to just hire a firing squad. Why do we have to go through this every time?

THE JOKER:

It's more fun like this. And that reminds me of a joke--

SARUMAN whacks The Joker's head off with his lightsaber.

AMIDALA picking the lock to her handcuffs with her teeth:

Honestly, you Jedi. You're so helpless. These chains can't be more than a quarter inch thick.

ANAKIN:

We'll just have the beasts bite through them for us. It's more manly that way. You go on and do your girly thing.

Manly fight with beasts ensues. No one gets hurt except Amidala gets a revealing scratch.

TWO-FACE:

Look, this isn't working. I told you, the good guys always win these things. Bring on the droid army--surely a billion droids can defeat two Jedi and one scratched up chick.

The Droid Army advances into the arena. Things look bad for our heroes until--

MACE WINDU:

This party's OVER, muthafuckas.

Suddenly, Jedi are everywhere! They fight, they bite, they lightsaber with all their might!

C3PO:

Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be in this scene! Hey, where's my head? This is such a drag! I'm beside myself! Die Jedi dogs! Oh dear, what am I saying? I'm a protocol droid! R2, where are yoooooou?

R2D2:

Beep beep. Oh god, I'm stuck with this loser for four more movies.

LISPING INFANT holding up the head of a battle droid:

I got one, mathter!

Mace Windu cuts off Jango Fett's head.

SARUMAN:

Great, now who are we--er, they, our sworn enemies--going to clone from now?

Manly fight with droids, Jedi, and leftover generic beasts ensues. No one gets hurt except a few nameless Jedi, who die.

Suddenly, there are millions and millions and millions of droids! Too many to count! Zillions, even! Things look bad for our heroes until--

YODA:

Yeeeeeehaw! Get 'em, clones! Who let da clones out, woof woof woof woof!

Manly fight with clones, droids, Jedi, and the last remaining generic beast ensues. No one gets hurt except a lot of droids, and who cares about droids?

CLONES:

Awwooooooo!

SARUMAN:

Uh oh. Jumps on his Nimbus 2000 and flies away cackling

OBI-WAN:

After them! They fly off in hot pursuit What's Amidala doing here? This is a job for manly Jedi.

AMIDALA:

Girl power! Got an extra lightsaber?

OBI-WAN:

Oh well, try to stay out of trouble.

Amidala falls out of the ship.

ANAKIN:

Stop the ship, I need to save her! Or at least bind her wounds! Or set her broken bones! Or something! Look, she fell on a vicious sand dune and I HATE sand! It's coarse and rough and itchy and gets everywhere! And it's full of cat shit and wheels off matchbox cars and old gum wrappers and dirt! And it always votes Republican and drinks all my beer! And--

OBI-WAN slaps him:

Snap out of it! You're a Jedi, man! Besides, I need you for the big fight scene.

ANAKIN:

Saruman's gonna swat me like a fly. I don't wanna go.

OBI-WAN:

Amidala would go if she were you. Beaten by a girrrrul, beaten by a girrrrrrrrul!

INT. SARUMAN'S HANGAR

OBI-WAN:

Okay, you take his right flank and I'll feint to the left and we'll wear him down with arms-length maneuvers--

ANAKIN:

Lemme at him! Lemme at him! Puppeeeeeee powwwwwwer!

Saruman swats him like a fly.

OBI-WAN:

Okay…we'll try plan B.

Saruman swats him like a fly.

SARUMAN raising his lightsaber to deal the slow languorous final death blow which for some reason never seems to quite happen whether you're an evil Jedi or a monstrous poisonous maggot:

Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

Anakin springs up from his swoon and stops Saruman.

ANAKIN:

Not so fast, naughtyspawn! Eat hot justice!

SARUMAN:

Oh, I see the fly wants another swatting. Have at thee!

Obi-Wan attempts to pull his lightsaber to him. Anakin does too.

ANAKIN:

No, I want two lightsabers! Gimme!

The lightsaber quivers in midair, then snaps clean in two.

OBI-WAN:

Well, I hope you're happy, Mr. Grabby.

Saruman swats Anakin like a fly. Again.

SARUMAN:

I cut your arm off, I cut your arrrrrm off!

YODA:

Gone on long enough this silliness has.

Yoda kicks Saruman's ass. It's very cool.

YODA:

Yoda your daddy is. Say it!

SARUMAN:

I'll never join you! Time for the old "save your friends or vanquish your enemy" dilemma. He topples a gigantic enormous CGI column over onto Anakin and Obi-Wan.

YODA:

Grunt grunt. This is heavy. Oh wait, size doesn't matter--it's all in the mind. He tosses the column aside.

ANAKIN:

You could have just pulled us out of the way, you know.

YODA:

Owe me for this you do. Now find your hand and out of here let's get.

OBI-WAN:

But Saruman's getting away!

YODA:

Well, I'm tired. When 800 years you reach less of an eager beaver you will be. I'm gonna feel this for a week.

ANAKIN:

I can't find my hand. I left it right here but it's gone.

OBI-WAN:

Maybe Saruman took it. A big hand for Saruman! Saruman has left the building--with a hand! Oh my god, I'm in such pain. Kill me now.

Amidala runs up.

AMIDALA:

I brought you some antiseptic. And a Klondike bar, since you seem to like them so much.

INT. JEDI COUNCIL ROOM

OBI-WAN:

Oh man, the next movie's going to be harsh. I hope you have a hiding place picked out.

MACE WINDU:

I've got a great place to hide.

OBI-WAN:

I was talking to Yoda.

YODA:

Well, it's the Attack of the Clones for sure. We should have paid more attention to that Phantom Menace. Next thing we know the Empire's going to Strike us Back.

MACE WINDU:

So, where's that kid who used to hang around you all the time?

EXT. NABOO WEDDING TERRACE

PRIEST:

Wuv! Twue wuv!

They kiss. The end.

LUCAS:

Hey, did you notice we didn't mention midichlorians at all this time? And we put a muzzle on Jar Jar! Love me, fans, love me!

AUDIENCE:

Bah! Too little too late. We're going to see Spiderman now, nyah nyah nyah.

**Episode II done. Now review, before I am forced to torture you with my pathetic serious writings! PS: I DON'T OWN STAR WARS. NOT EVEN ON DVD. (I'm pathetic, I know.)**


	7. Episode III: The End En Fine Done

ZOMG!! Andy Yes, that is meh name is backkk. And noww this fanfic is truly done. Yes, indeed, it's true. Done. The End. En Fine. However you want to put it. Please review, for it makes me so incredibly happeh. Ahem. Now onward with the fanfic.

Episode III

War! It's all over the place! Droids versus clones, M ratings, heroes on both sides! Politics! Brother against brother, babies havin' babies! And in the middle of it all, poor EMPEROR PALPATINE has been kidnapped by the terrifying consumptive droid GENERAL GRIEVOUS and his top aides, CORPORAL UNPLEASANT and MAJOR I-DON'T-KNOW-THERE'S-JUST-SOMETHING-ABOUT-THAT-GUY. I bet all you people who thought Palpatine was the bad guy feel terrible now! Only our hero and antihero, OBI-WAN and ANAKIN, can save Palpatine, because all the other Jedi are manifestly wimps.

Ext. Space just above Coruscant, where the coolest space battle ever is taking place. You have to wonder what it's doing to satellite communications on the planet, though.

ANAKIN: Droids of many types! Let me name and then kill them! Hey, kids--only $4.95 each (accessories not included).

OBI-WAN: No, let the expendable clones take care of them.

ANAKIN: Ooh, bad luck, master! You've got a bad case of buzz droids. Let me just take care of that for you... Anakin blasts the bejeezus out of Obi-Wan's ship, wiping out the buzz droids and then some.

OBI-WAN: Hey!

ANAKIN: Take THAT, and THAT, you bearded, pontificating, insufferable, pompous-assed...buzz...droids.

OBI-WAN: I worry about you.

ANAKIN: Okay, master, I opened the mothership's door for us. Luckily the controls are on the outside.

They fly into General Grievous's ship. Droid hi-jinx ensue.

OBI-WAN: R2-D2, find Palpatine for us. And start up that elevator.

R2-D2: Beep beep. Elevator, elevator, ride it up and doooown!

Elevator hi-jinx ensue.

Int. a room in the spaceship. Palpatine is manacled to a big chair, looking oddly menacing and curiously comfortable.

OBI-WAN: We've come to rescue you.

PALPATINE: Oh, right. "Rescue."

ANAKIN: Hold still, master, there's a fly on your head. Whips out lightsaber Let me just--

OBI-WAN: Would you CUT THAT OUT?!

PALPATINE: Oh dear! Look behind you, noble rescuers!

SARUMAN: Remember me? I'm back! And look what I can do! Somersaults off the balcony, not breaking both his legs. I shall now taunt you. Double your pleasure, double your fun, two Jedi for the price of one.

ANAKIN: I may have one less hand than I had last time, but I'm twice as good as you!

SARUMAN: Hang on, let me do the math. There are two of you, three hands; I've got two hands but I'm not a Jedi. I think I can take you.

Saruman drops some scenery on Obi-Wan.

OBI-WAN: Hahahahaha, oof, oh damn. I suck. faints

Anakin and Saruman battle all over the place while Palpatine winces a little, to get into the spirit of things.

SARUMAN: I'll cut your other arm off, I'll cut your other arrrrrm off--hang on, wait just a second. He straightens up and stares into the audience, then zaps the man on the eighth row with lightning, turning him into a pile of dust. Turn off your cell phones.

AUDIENCE: Yay! Go Dark Side!

ANAKIN: Killing cell phone abusers is so totally Sith! Take that! He cuts off Saruman's hands Consult limb loss table. Limb loss count: two.

PALPATINE: Nice stance. Very menacing. Kill him.

ANAKIN: Uh, is that a Jedi thing to do? He's an unarmed prisoner, after all. Unhanded, even.

PALPATINE: Go on, you can kill him if I say so.

Anakin zips off Saruman's head. Whoa. Dude.

ANAKIN: I don't know if I feel right about that--but what the hey. Now let me get Obi-Wan and we'll escape.

PALPATINE: Leave him, he'll slow us down.

ANAKIN: Are you sure you're not evil?

PALPATINE: Pretty sure.

Elevator hi-jinx ensue. But Grievous is on to them!

GRIEVOUS: Gollum, gollum. Activate ray shields.

OBI-WAN: This can't be happening! Ray shields don't actually exist. He just made that up.

ANAKIN: But my sinuses have cleared up. Ah, Halls vapor action!

Int. Bridge.

GRIEVOUS: Gollum. Even your little droid can't help you now! R2-D2 zaps everybody Well, I may be wrong. Grievous smashes a window and flies out into space Decepticons retreat! cough cough Although I have difficulty breathing, I don't actually need to breathe.

OBI-WAN: I'm reminded uncomfortably of Skylab and various space shuttles, in a galaxy far, far away and a long time from now.

ANAKIN: And the laws of physics. But it's okay, we got airbags.

Somehow they land the bit of ship that is left, and then they're suddenly clean and ready for more politics. All the main characters are waiting for them.

PALPATINE: Anakin, ditch the Jedi as soon as you can. We need to talk. --Ah, Senators, I was so scared! If it weren't for those big brave Jedi Knights I would be dead!

OBI-WAN: It's like the Dark Lord of the Sith is standing RIGHT THERE, but I just can't figure it out. And I don't trust that Palpatine. Something seems amiss with him. Damn the dark side!

Anakin slips away to be with his forbidden love behind a big column where no one will ever notice them.

PADME: Oh, Annie! I've got terrific news! I'm pregnant!

ANAKIN: Uh, ah, that's the best news ever, honey. Uh. Grimaces Whee! Babies!

PADME: You'll be a good father.

Int. Padme's pad, evening. Padme is combing her hair and acting twee while Anakin stares at her, seething with ill-concealed evil.

PADME: What color should we paint the baby's room?

ANAKIN: Blood Red. Or black. Depending on whether it's a boy or a girl.

PADME: Are you sure you're okay, honey? You seem kind of dark lately. And how'd you get that scar on your forehead?

ANAKIN: Voldemort. Or maybe the white whale. I forget. Wow, you're still wearing that plastic trinket I gave you on Tatooine when I was a round-headed kid, back when I was younger than you.

PADME: Did you really make it, or did you buy it?

ANAKIN: Actually I stole it. Anyway, you're so beautiful! Are you an angel?

PADME: Tee hee. It's only because I'm in loooooove.

ANAKIN: No, it's because I'm so in love with youuuuuu.

PADME startled: What? So love has blinded you? I may cry.

ANAKIN: You know what I mean. Geez. Some days I could just strangle you.

Int. Bedroom, night. Anakin and Padme are asleep. Doesn't anyone notice they're shacking up together? Anakin wakes from a nightmare, demonstrating Ebert's Nightmare Reflex by sitting bolt upright in bed, gasping and sweating, to show that he's had a terrible dream.

ANAKIN: Oh man, what am I wearing long pants in bed for? It always gives me nightmares. And Padme's wearing those weird elfy beads to bed. She's going to have bead marks on her arms for days. I am so hung over.

Anakin goes to stand on the balcony, to breathe deeply of the smog.

PADME joining him: Honey? Are you okay? I put on an extra layer of lip gloss just for you.

ANAKIN: I just had a bad dream where you died and stuff. Not important.

PADME: I know you're worried--after all, the queen's sure to kick me off the senate when she finds out I'm pregnant. She's big on stay-at-home moms.

ANAKIN: You mean you're NOT the queen? I thought we figured all that out two movies ago!

PADME: Silly, I'm not the queen! I'm the crown princess and secretary of state, and possibly the attorney general. Of Naboo. Amidala's the queen.

ANAKIN: I thought I married Amidala! Who are you, Padme or somebody?

PADME: Awkward.

Int. Jedi Temple, Jedi in Session.

ANAKIN: You guys have to make me a master Jedi now because Emperor Palpatine said so. It might make up for my wife not being the queen.

MACE WINDU: We'll let you sit in on the club meetings, but you can't be a master because frankly you're not one.

ANAKIN: It's not fair! Even though none of this was my idea and I'm supposedly conflicted about it! Wah!

YODA: Luke's future whininess I sense in you.

MACE WINDU: You'll do what you're told, or else. Little shit.

YODA: Spy on Palpatine want you to we do. Might as well yourself useful make.

MACE WINDU: He looks way too comfortable wearing that black robe. Something's up with him. And he keeps passing laws like the Kill Anybody the Chancellor Wants Dead Act and the Patriotic No-More-Democracy Act. It's making me nervous. And he wants to rename our clone soldiers "Stormtroopers." It almost sounds a little fascist.

ANAKIN: But isn't spying on the chancellor treason?

OBI-WAN: We're at war.

ANAKIN: Oh, okay. Treason during wartime. That makes it all right. Still doesn't seem like the Jedi way.

MACE WINDU: Look, we're the Jedi Masters. What we do is the fucking Jedi way! You secretly want to be a Sith anyway, don't talk Jedi to me. Little shit.

YODA: Go to the Chewbacca planet I will. Hungry I am for wookiee cookies. Obi-Wan, take care of Grievous you must. No one else help you there can. Except clones.

Int. The Goldfish Circus. Anakin joins Palpatine.

PALPATINE: Ah, Anakin, I'm so glad to see you. I need you to spy on the Jedi for me, because for some reason they don't trust me. I sense a plot to overthrow my despotic rule.

ANAKIN: But I'm already supposed to spy on you. How can I spy on both of you? Am I supposed to be telling you this? I'm so confused.

PALPATINE twinkling in a grandfatherly way: Did I ever tell you about wise old Darth Genocide and his benevolent powers? It seems that he was sooooo powerful that he could keep his many wives from dying in childbirth. What a great guy, much more powerful than any Jedi. Is this story perhaps relevant to your life? Discuss.

ANAKIN: Gee, Uncle Palpatine, how does the story end?

PALPATINE: His apprentice kills him. All Sith stories end that way. I try not to think about that too much.

ANAKIN: Golly, the Dark Side doesn't seem so bad. How do you know so much about the Dark Side?

PALPATINE: Um, there was an article in _Despot Quarterly _. "The Dark Side--Make It Work for You!" No way did I learn it from my Sith master or anything. Nope. Never killed any mentors. Nope. We'll talk more about this later.

Int. Padme's apartment. Anakin is sitting on the couch playing with his PSP.

ANAKIN: Obi-Wan's been here, hasn't he?

PADME: Yes.

ANAKIN: What did he want?

PADME: To have sex with me, but I told him I was already pregnant. What's wrong, honey?

ANAKIN: I was just wondering, if I have brown eyes, and you have brown eyes, how come our kids have blue eyes? What color are Obi-Wan's eyes, anyway?

PADME: Did you have another bad dream a minute ago?

ANAKIN: No, it was a hallucination, I think. I wasn't actually sleeping. You're definitely going to die, and Obi-Wan's there for some reason. Are they hazel, or what?

Ext. Utapau the Dinosaur Planet. Obi-Wan lands and speaks with the Corduroy People.

OBI-WAN: Greetings, my corrugated friend. I'm looking for General Grievous. Seen him around?

CORDUROY MAN: Ix-nay on the Evous-Gray Eneral-Gay. They're istening-lay. Enth-tay Oor-flay.

OBI-WAN: Oh, right. Thanks. I mean, anks-thay.

CORDUROY MAN #2: Are we evil? We do have fangs. Is this a trap or not?

CORDUROY MAN: Who knows?

Obi-Wan appears riding a giant floppy Beanie Baby. What happened to his ship?

CORDUROY MAN: Who knows?

OBI-WAN: Off I go on my secret mission. At least I'll have the element of surprise on my side.

LIZARD: HONK HONK! Squeeeeeel! Looloolooloolooolooo. Honk HONK.

Obi-Wan parks his lizard and jumps down amid the droid army.

OBI-WAN: I'm here to chew bubblegum and kill General Grievous, and I'm all out of bubblegum.

GRIEVOUS: Are you asking for a CHALLENGE? I've been trained in the Jedi arts by the vaguely Jedi-esque Count Dooku and I have FOUR ARMS!

OBI-WAN: So does that make you a Jedi or what? And are you a droid or only part of a droid or what?

They throw down. It's so cool that we all secretly wish that Grievous would win.

OBI-WAN: Ha! Extra arms, eh? Little do you know that the Jedi specialty is cutting limbs off. In fact, "Jedi" is ancient Coruscian for "where'd my hands go?" Limb loss count: four.

GRIEVOUS: Crunch all you want, I'll make more. I'm mostly droid, you see. I only have a little bit of meat in me.

OBI-WAN: What, this bit here? Or what?

GRIEVOUS: Bad touch!

Obi-Wan shoots him in the meat bit, causing his eye sockets to catch fire. Another bad guy tidily disposed of.

OBI-WAN: So uncivilized. Still, it did work a lot better than batting at him with a light stick. Maybe I'll bring it up at the next council meeting.

Meanwhile, back on Coruscant...

Int. Palpatine's chambers.

ANAKIN: So, you're saying if I join the Dark Side I get a free iPod? And Padme gets to live?

PALPATINE: But wait, there's more! You get a snazzy outfit and get to put "Darth" in front of your cool new Sith name!

ANAKIN: But isn't it against the Jedi code to become a Sith?

PALPATINE: Oh, you don't want to listen to those narrow-minded stodgy old hidebound girly men. The Dark Side isn't really _bad _--all the stuff with the menacing names and the dark clothing is just our fun. And it's quite liberating. For instance, remember when you killed all those sandpeople? That was a good thing to do, right? Well, the Dark Side agrees.

ANAKIN: Hmm, how can you possibly know all this about the Dark Side unless--you're the Sith Lord! Hey!

PALPATINE: It's a fair cop.

ANAKIN: Hang on... I'm pretty sure that's one of the things I'm supposed to be telling the Jedi Council about. I'll be right back.

Int. hangar or something

ANAKIN: I've got it all figured out! Palpatine has been the Sith Lord all along!

MACE WINDU: slaps forehead Well, I'll be dipped in shit. It seems so obvious now.

ANAKIN: Can I help you arrest him? Maybe get him to, I don't know, spill some Sith secrets first?

MACE WINDU: Three words: conflict of interest. Go wait in the Jedi meeting room.

Int. Jedi Temple. Anakin paces torturedly. Cut to Int. Padme's pad. Padme pads back and forth looking vaguely worried.

PADME: I'm more pregnant every minute. I think I may be giving birth to a pillow. Fret, fret.

C-3PO: I bet you thought I'd be someone else. Tea?

Cut back to Jedi Temple.

ANAKIN: Man, I'm bored. Look at Yoda's stupid little chair. He sure is short. Man, I could kill for some dark chocolate M&Ms right now. I'll go ask Palpatine if he's got any.

Int. Palpatine's Chambers. Mace Windu and three EXPENDABLE JEDI appear menacingly in the doorway.

PALPATINE: Mace Windu! My favorite Jedi! I take it you're well. And your little friends, how are they?

MACE WINDU: Cut the smarm! This jig is so UP, motherfucker!

PALPATINE: Are you threatening me?

MACE WINDU: No, I just thought we needed some light in here so I turned on my lightsaber. Yes, I'm threatening you. Little shit.

PALPATINE: So then it is treason.

MACE WINDU: What? What's treason, exactly--killing you, or not killing you?

EXPENDABLE JEDI: Don't listen to him. It's a last-ditch effort to confuse us with ARGH.

Palpatine kicks the expendable Jedi asses in his pajamas, thank you very much, then squares off with Mace Windu for a not quite climactic fight scene. They do lots of damage with their lightsabers. Those things are dangerous. They smash a big plate-glass window and Palpatine's lightsaber is flung out into the void.

MACE WINDU: And you will know my NAME is the LORD when I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!

PALPATINE: Oh, all right, make me break out the early 80s special effects. You realize this is going to be hell on my complexion. He zaps Mace Windu with fingerbolts and gets real old, just as Anakin runs in.

ANAKIN: Whoa! You're, like, doing a reverse Theoden. Even your teeth are getting all gross!

PALPATINE: Flossing is for Jedi!

ANAKIN: Master Windu, what are you doing? Acting on the tip-off I just gave you? Stop!

MACE WINDU: Anakin, he's a traitor!

PALPATINE: No, _he's _the traitor!

ANAKIN: I'm so confused. Can they both be traitors? If so, who are they betraying?

PALPATINE: If you let him kill me you'll never learn my Doom 3 God Code, my foolproof real estate get-rich-quick scheme, my secret for eternal life!

WINDU: Raises his lightsaber menacingly You die now, we'll talk later.

ANAKIN: No! I need that god code! Lops off Windu's arms. Limb loss total: six.

WINDU: Hey! I'm positive that's against the Jedi code! Little shit.

PALPATINE: Muahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!11 zaps him out the window I 0wnzor3d jo0!

ANAKIN: Well, I guess that seals the bad-guy envelope.

PALPATINE: Trust me, you won't regret it. All-night parties, drinks, dancing, brown robes absolutely forbidden...

ANAKIN: Well, okay. What's my bad guy name?

PALPATINE: Let's see... Darth Smelly? No. Darth Torture? Too obvious. Darth Unconscionable Acts of Vileness? Almost. Darth Vader. Yes. Like that guy in Star Wars.

ANAKIN: My head a splode.

PALPATINE: That's okay, we'll get you a shiny new one. Now, as your first act of evil, go to the Jedi Temple and slaughter the doe-eyed waifs you will find there. They'll just grow up to be pompous and patronizing. You're doing them a favor, really. It's a good thing. Anyway, off you go, lad--don't come back till your lightsaber drips with the blood of the innocent!

ANAKIN spirals in his eyes: Yes, my master. He leaves

PALPATINE: Now to put my evil scheme into motion! He calls up his clone pals on the teleclone Execute Operation H-E-Double-Toothpicks!

All over the galaxy, the clones turn on their Jedi comrades. Considering how badass the Jedi are supposed to be, they die really, really easily. Perhaps they've lost their will to live.

Int. Senate chamber.

PALPATINE: The Republic has been restructured into the FIRST GALACTIC EVIL EMPIRE! Heil ME!!! I'll be in here later to get rid of these seats. We won't be needing them anymore.

SENATE: Disempowerment! Huzzah!

PADME: Freedom isn't free, but tyranny comes with a thirty-day trial.

SENATE sings: Hail to the thief!

JAR JAR: Don't blame me, meesa voted for Jar Jar.

Int. a secret meeting room for secret meetings.

OBI-WAN: I'll go after Palpatine if you get Anakin for me. Because I just like Anakin too darned much to kill him myself.

YODA: Evil he is, past all redeeming. See? Yoda shows Obi-Wan some security tapes, showing Anakin killing "younglings," working on the Sabbath, parking in a handicapped spot, insider trading, and coveting his neighbor's ox. Go chop his limbs off--it's the Jedi code. And you're not nearly old or short enough to take the Emperor.

Int. Imperial Office.

PALPATINE looking in mirror: Why, hello there, your omnipotence! You're certainly looking fetching and all-powerful today! Now, let's see, how best to crush the spirits of our pathetic subjects...

YODA barging in: Up with this I will not put.

PALPATINE: Ha ha, that's what you think! Have some lightning, my smurfy green friend!

They fight and end up, oddly, in the senate chambers. Well, why not? Palpatine starts throwin' seats around with the force.

PALPATINE: Catch! Muahahaha, it's frisbee golf and YOU'RE the target!

YODA: Always at frisbee better than you I was.

PALPATINE: Die, CGI Jedi scum! Your voice has changed greatly over a period of three years.

YODA: Where a lightsaber did you get? I thought you threw it out the window.

PALPATINE: I have a spare. Don't you?

YODA: Oh, my wee little robe--impaled! On a pole! Too hard this is. Give up I do. Into exile go I must.

Int. the Lava World. Palpatine is talking to his pals the separatists.

PALPATINE'S HOLOGRAM: Stay where you are. I'll send my new apprentice to _take care of you _. his hologram winks out

ALIEN WITH NO NOSTRILS: Hmm, did that sound like a veiled threat to you?

SOME OTHER GENERIC ALIEN: He gets through apprentices, doesn't he? Remember Darth Badass and his four-bladed light saber? That was painful to watch. And Darth Poisonivy, and Darth Muppet, and Darth Cropfailure, and Darth Scrofula. When's he going to settle down?

Suddenly, the door opens and Anakin strides in, preceded by terrified mouse droids.

ALIEN WITH NO NOSTRILS: Ah, Darth Vader, we were just talking about OW OH ARGH NOOOOOO.

ANAKIN: This is a lot easier than I expected. Maybe next time I'll let some of my foes escape, to lick their wounds and plot retribution.

Ext. Lava World. C-3PO lands Padme's ship, because protocol droids are famous for their piloting skills.

C-3PO: Bless my buttons, there's Anakin. And he looks angry! Oh, my paws and whiskers! I'm overcome with comedic timidity!

PADME: Anakin! Obi-Wan said you were evil and stuff! Are you? We need to talk.

ANAKIN: Not now, sweetheart. I'm working right now. Go back to the ship--this sulfur dioxide laden air might be bad for the baby, and it's really hot out here. Like, you know, lava hot.

PADME: Honey, please come home. I know you felt like you had to destroy the One Ring, but that's a different trilogy.

ANAKIN: Oh, Padme, I did this all for you! All the blood spilled, all the children murdered--all for you! Aren't you happy?

PADME: You've changed!

ANAKIN: Nah, same old Anakin, really. Anyway, what about you? Dressing like an anime babe, hanging out with Obi-Wan. What color are his eyes, Padme? _What color are his eyes? _Begins to choke her

PADME: Stop! You're sucking my will to live!

OBI-WAN: I don't need my big blue eyes to see that this is just all wrong. Pulls out his lightsaber

ANAKIN: Have at thee!

They fight. Oh, how they fight! Up and down the parapets, in and out of rooms, just everywhere!

OBI-WAN: You, me, and a whole lot of lava. This can't end well, mark my words.

ANAKIN: I'll never join you!

OBI-WAN: You can't say that. You're the bad guy.

ANAKIN: How do you know?

OBI-WAN: Well, the creepy "Darth" name is a clue. Also--mass infanticide. Not at all nice.

ANAKIN: You look pretty bad from here. And anyway, all you stupid Jedi do is say stuff like, "Don't get attached" and "There's always a bigger fish." You all suck. I hatey-hate you to pieces!

OBI-WAN: Then you are lost.

ANAKIN: But what am I supposed to do? You give me this awesome lightsaber and teach me to be a badass, and then you go on and on about peace and self-denial! This is the most fun I've had in years!

OBI-WAN: Anakin, you're standing on a DROID in LAVA! Just give up, okay? Obi-Wan somersaults onto the bank. King of the hill! You can't win!

ANAKIN: That's what you think. I've been a Sith for two whole hours and my powers are getting better by the second! He somersaults onto the bank too, but what's this? Obi-Wan chops his legs and one arm right off! Limb loss total: nine

OBI-WAN: Ergh. I was aiming for your head, actually. That's the Jedi life--justice, peace, and limb removal.

ANAKIN: Do-over, man, do-over! Where's the ref?

Anakin catches on fire.

OBI-WAN: Oh well, my work here is done. Sorry it didn't work out. I'll look after Padme. He leaves

Anakin writhes around a bit, until Palpatine arrives. Palpatine pats Anakin on the head.

ANAKIN: When do I get to say, "Now you see that evil must triumph because good is dumb"?

PALPATINE: Where does it hurt? Put some ice on it, that's what I recommend.

ANAKIN: It's been a really rough day. This evil-doing isn't all beer and skittles after all.

PALPATINE: I'm so sorry, I forgot to tell you about the mutilation and immolation parts. Don't worry, we'll get you some new legs and stuff. Think of it as an opportunity for a redesign--we'll menace you up, you'll like it. We're thinking James Earl Jones for the voice.

ANAKIN: Then it was all worth it! He faints

Int. spaceship, where Obi-Wan is taking Padme to safety.

PADME recovering briefly from her swoon: Is Anakin okay?

OBI-WAN: If by "okay" you mean "thoroughly corrupted body and soul to a degree almost unimaginable," then yes, he's just ducky.

PADME: Ow! My will to live! She faints

Int. FORTRESS OF EVIL or some such place. Anakin is being riveted into a Darth Vader outfit. It's the moment from the trailer, the moment we've all been waiting for! Anakin bursts from his shackles and lurches across the room.

PALPATINE: It's ALIVE! It's ALIVE!!

VADER breathes: What are these lights on my chest for?

PALPATINE: Call waiting.

VADER breathes: And where's Padme? I hope I didn't hurt her feelings or anything. Me and my temper. Maybe we should try marital counseling.

PALPATINE: You're evil now, remember? And she's dead anyway. You killed her in a fit of rage mixed with selective amnesia. Ha ha!

VADER breathes: NOOOOOO! My rage and self-loathing shall obliterate a thousand worlds! Damn you to--hey, is that MY voice?? AWESOME!

PALPATINE holds up mirror: Check it out!

VADER breathes: Whoa! T-shirts and Slurpee cups, here I come!

Int. hospital, where droids have taken the place of all medical personnel. Creepy. But they're sensitive, caring droids.

DROID: She's fine except for her will to live. Unfortunately will-to-live donors are few and far between.

Padme delivers two great big strapping twins, about ten pounds each and several months old.

OBI-WAN: Let's hope she still has the will to name them. Here's the first one, Padme. It's a boy.

PADME: Leia.

OBI-WAN: Boy, I said.

PADME: Okay, Christine.

OBI-WAN: This isn't getting us anywhere. What rhymes with puke?

PADME: Luke?

OBI-WAN: Right. And here's the girl.

PADME: Luke?

OBI-WAN: Leia it is. How do you spell that?

PADME: The Z is silent. she dies

Interior, a spaceship. The Emperor and Darth Vader are looking at the brand new scaffolding for the great big round weapon of infinite destruction.

EMPEROR: Do you like it, my apprentice? I think I'll call it "Killa Moon."

VADER: How long until it's done?

EMPEROR: Oh, about twenty years, give or take. Still, something to look forward to.

VADER: So, when do I get to learn how to shoot lightning from my fingers?

EMPEROR: Oh, I'm sorry. You have to have real hands for that. You do that "choke" thing well--we'll work on that.

Int. oh, hell, some hallway somewhere or something. The last two remaining Jedi, Yoda and Obi-Wan, are talking with Senator Organa.

YODA: Separate and hide the children we must. Any suggestions?

ORGANA: My wife and I call dibs on the girl. Boys are gross.

OBI-WAN: We can take the boy to his step-family on Tatooine. No one will ever think to look for him there.

YODA: Unlisted in the Yellow Pages Owen and Beru must be.

ORGANA: I'll take the droids too, but I'll make sure to wipe their memories so they won't remember any of this in the next movie. And while I'm at it, Obi-Wan, I'll wipe your memory so you won't remember the droids.

OBI-WAN: Fair enough.

Ext. Alderaan, a terrace.

SENATOR ORGANA: Here, honey, Obi-Wan gave us a blanket.

MRS. ORGANA: It's beautiful! It's the most beautiful blanket I've ever seen. Hey, free baby!

Ext. Tatooine, sunset. Obi-Wan arrives on a camel.

OBI-WAN: Tough shit, Luke. Hope you like one-room hovels. Here, Aunt Beru. I brought you a blanket. Careful, there's a baby in it.

BERU: Uncle Owen! I mean just Owen! Look, I found out where babies come from! Jedi bring them!

LUCAS: I've decided to do one more Star Wars movie. I'm thinking a musical. With Jar Jar. Called "Midichlorians Fired First."

HOWLING MOB descends on Lucas with $100 Best Buy lightsabers.

LUCAS: I regret nothing!

ROLL CREDITS


End file.
